It has been a while since I have cried. A really good, long cry. The last time I think was when I watched the Netflix movie Fatherhood. I sobbed during that one and then for a while after. Sometimes it feels so good to cry, doesn’t it? It is like it has been bottled up […]
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Word of Mouth
At long last, shortly before Labor Day we will be hosting a celebration of Lee’s life here at Deer Tick Manor, where Lola the pup and I currently are spending several relaxing days. The guest list mainly consists of the folks whose email addresses we had gathered last summer around this same time, as we […]
90 Days
It’s been ninety days without you. When this post publishes it will be exactly 90 days since I walked you to the white van parked in our driveway to see you off. The night was cool, being after midnight, and the kind ushers walked in slow motion as they made their way step by careful […]
Noticing and Shifting Patterns of Living with Loss(es)
Main image by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash In the last few years, I have come across the field of “Human Systems Dynamics” (HSD), which offers ways of thinking and tools for exploring complex human systems. I learn about it mostly for professional reasons, but since my professional and personal interests are so integrated and intertwined, […]
Fly the Coop
There remains a lot going on in my life as I transition from my house of fourteen years to my new home. I have been between homes since the end of April; and though I am unsettled, I feel fairly calm. My new life is starting to take shape and this is exciting. It has been 4.7 years since I have really felt any type of warm anticipation about anything substantial. The feeling of hopeful anticipation about my future has been foreign to me in grief. Hope feels like the feels from another life I used to live. But, recently, hope reigns supreme for me. I guess this is what thawing from grief feels like. Slowly, I have worked to come back to life and I am more than ready to reap the benefits of my hard work.
That feeling …
It is 2 days away from July 13th – the one decade mark of Don Shepherd’s sudden death. Its hard to describe my emotions right now, in leading up to this day. Im saddened, reflective, grateful, pained, oddly connected in a new way, overwhelmed, and filled with an entire decade of the missing of everything […]
Marbles, Memories and Recycled Reminders
Some weeks go by and I find myself searching for signs or situations that give me insight into what I should write about each week. I fought looking for inspiration. I felt if i couldn’t write about Tin (or my life without him) that I was losing him more. Stressing about sharing sunk stories deeper […]
I Get By
An Open Letter to Friends and Family: So, dear friends and family, today is July 8, 2021, and I have made it through Year One relatively intact. I say it is relative because, as you well know, the seismic shift to my world that occurred when Lee died still reverberates. My world now is altered, […]
Til Death Do Us Part . . . or not
The irony of pledging our lives to one another on Independence Day revealed itself slowly over the years. A powerful love awakened what felt like super powers. Of course we would live a lifetime together, no matter the bets of some who thought otherwise. Dan enjoyed highlighting the benefits of choosing July 4th to marry: […]
Commemobrating
Photos my own I survived last week. I survived 30 June and 1 July. I survived the two year “deathiversary” of Julia’s death. Forever split across a date line, two days of the week, two dates, two months, even two quarters. Because from when I “know” she took her life, to when she was “officially” […]
Fourth of July Regrets
So here we are, the 10 year death anniversary just over one week away, and still, after all these years, I am left with holes in my memory about the last few weeks of life with Don Shepherd in it. I still don’t know if that is just how trauma works. I dont know if […]
An Unwanted Independence Day
Tomorrow is the fourth 4th of July that I have an independence I never wanted… Tomorrow is our anniversary. Fitting that the start of our short journey together would be full of fireworks because that is exactly how I felt every time I looked into your eyes. You lit me up and now I have […]