I’ll start today with a few toasts to the holidays! Cheers! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! and drum roll please…..Death still Sucks! Two more days til Christmas, and as usual….I’m not ready yet. I still have a shopping list, I’ve still not wrapped my gifts, and I haven’t watched all the movies I want to see or drank all the eggnog in the…
young widow
A Date By Any Other Name ….
(Post pre-explanation & warning: I wrote this post for my personal blog …. on Sunday, the 18th, the 4th year date of Jim’s death. This date, this year, was no easier for me than the previous 3. I still cried. I still wished that I were the one who was not left behind. I am still crying, and I think I may forever be wishing. And yet…
My Dreams
I’ve been haunted by anxiety lately. Everything feels so unsettled right now. Someone extremely close to my heart is facing a scary health problem. I’m forging ahead in this new life, not knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going. The holidays are looming. I wake up several times a night with a racing heart and mind. My thoughts immediately go to…
With You
I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball. He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot. Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like…
How Can I Ensure That December ….
…. is a month to remember? Truth be told, it wasn’t all that difficult. All I did was agree to have surgery today. And then, to make it even MORE memorable …. I agreed to have my middle son’s wisdom teeth extracted. Today. Yes, as in …. today, the 14th of December ….. both procedures. I guess that’s one way to ring in the “death day” of my…
Withdrawal
Time is healing me, I suppose, but it’s also taking me further and further away from Dave. Each day that passes is more time without the love, comfort and stability he so freely gave me. As the days pile up, I’m going more and more crazy for the comfort a loving spouse can bring. It’s been so long since he’s told me he loves me, wrapped his arms…
Fairy Tales
Michael’s my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me. But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and…
Looking Back, Looking Forward
I am in the 7th year AD (after Daniel). The 6th anniversary was in November, and this will be our 7th Christmas without him. I was thinking the other day, as Carl, the kids and I decorated the Christmas tree, that I could never have imagined this life that first Christmas in 2005. That Christmas is a dark blur in my mind’s eye. I vaguely remember…
All I Want for Christmas
Anyone who reads this knows what each and every one of us would like for Christmas if we could have whatever we wanted….We also know that’s an impossibility. We could sit and count every moment that we are missing our love. Every scenario that lacks our spouse. Every tradition that falls flat without their presence. Or we can try to find the glow…
Tis the Season ….
…. to be jolly. Ho, ho ….. oh whatever. I mostly loathe this Season. I really do. And that ticks me off. Because I didn’t “before”. I loved Christmas and everything it entails. It was a wonderful time of the year for me spiritually, emotionally …. the older kids came home from college for several weeks, and physically …. loved the parties,…
Groceries
The grocery store It’s been one of the biggest grief triggers for me. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to go at all. Thank god for the kindness of friends and coworkers who kept my fridge and freezer stocked for the first month or so. Thank god for my closest friends who grocery shopped for me at first.Eventually, I managed to go on my own, but…
Learn
It starts with words. Then numbers. Your shoe laces. Sentences. Driving. Kissing. Love. Death. The things we learn in the earliest of ages can sometimes make us nostalgic. To have no worries but to learn what 1 + 2 equals. To clean your room. To use stick shift.Then life happens and adds dimension and layers you could have never imagined. The warm,…