Christmases without Greg, that is. Given my long-lived female relatives, I know I can expect to see the age of 90 if not 100 years old. (Longevity seems to be a heritable trait in my family … as does early widowhood.) Which means 48 more Christmases to endure even with the more conservative estimate…. …and I don’t want to do another single…
widowed holidays
I Think I Do
It’s so strange how much easier the holidays were than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy, just easier than expected. I’ve been feeling almost spooked by the lack of horrific pain I’ve felt in the last week or so leading up to Christmas.For one thing, Dave and I never made a big deal out of Christmas. We’d hit his parents’…
Speaking to the Ghost of Christmas Past
The day Phil died, my world was irrevocably changed. No amount of crying, wishing, or begging could switch my new reality back to the reality of what seems like only moments ago. The first Christmas without him, I sat on the coach alone watching the kids open gifts that only I chose, purchased, wrapped, and stowed under the tree…barely able to…
Cheers!
I’ll start today with a few toasts to the holidays! Cheers! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! and drum roll please…..Death still Sucks! Two more days til Christmas, and as usual….I’m not ready yet. I still have a shopping list, I’ve still not wrapped my gifts, and I haven’t watched all the movies I want to see or drank all the eggnog in the…
Things I don’t miss about Christmas
Warning – my brand of humour follows. I think I’m funny. You may disagree. I feel short-changed. For years, we would debate about whose family home we would spend Christmas in. …. my parent’s home with their clean, relatively modern furniture, good food, great company and pleasant atmosphere … or with his large, loud, argumentative family…
Open Wound
I wish I could report days of happiness and joy. But I can’t. I feel like I am walking around with an open wound. It’s been like this throughout the whole holiday season. This year feels worse than the past two years. Why am I crying so much? I suppose I can answer my own question. Michael loved Christmas. He loved Christmas not because he had so…
Christmas Parties: Third Time’s The Charm
Somewhere between suffering that terrible first Christmas party alone and “Whoo hoo! It’s a Christmas party!” was my last weekend. This is the third holiday party season without my Angel holding my hand (and likely suggesting I wear a different shirt.) I had been dreading the holiday parties but my anticipation of misery far exceeded reality.
why Christmas concerts suck
I have been working really hard at being upbeat and positive this Christmas. I consciously remind myself of the wonderful things in my life – amazing kids, great friends, a rewarding job, an amazing community, etc. I don’t want to whine. I certainly don’t wish to have others internally groan and roll their eyes if I talk about how lame the holidays…
Looking Back, Looking Forward
I am in the 7th year AD (after Daniel). The 6th anniversary was in November, and this will be our 7th Christmas without him. I was thinking the other day, as Carl, the kids and I decorated the Christmas tree, that I could never have imagined this life that first Christmas in 2005. That Christmas is a dark blur in my mind’s eye. I vaguely remember…
All I Want for Christmas
Anyone who reads this knows what each and every one of us would like for Christmas if we could have whatever we wanted….We also know that’s an impossibility. We could sit and count every moment that we are missing our love. Every scenario that lacks our spouse. Every tradition that falls flat without their presence. Or we can try to find the glow…
Tis the Season ….
…. to be jolly. Ho, ho ….. oh whatever. I mostly loathe this Season. I really do. And that ticks me off. Because I didn’t “before”. I loved Christmas and everything it entails. It was a wonderful time of the year for me spiritually, emotionally …. the older kids came home from college for several weeks, and physically …. loved the parties,…
Wake me up when December ends
It’s December 1, 2011. I bought a new car today. My very first new car ever. The very first car I have bought all by myself. Something bright and shiny and new to replace the old and falling apart, frustrating and faded. I should feel happy. But I don’t.I am gripped by the worst grief I have felt in months. “A new car – you are so lucky”…