Seven years ago Phil and I decided to climb Mt. Whitney, the highest peak in the contiguous United States. We recruited some other crazy hikers; we worked out a year long training schedule (he chose the trails and I planned the distances and elevation order); we went on several exploratory hikes in search of good training climbs; we ate, drank,…
widow
Card Carrying Member
I have one and I use it. I do. When I’m tired, overwhelmed, or just feel like giving the moaning, complaining-about-their-cellulite-people around me a wake-up call. I work it into a conversation and I slap it down.Then stand back watching with internal glee (most of the time) as others stumble, fall over themselves, or stifle all objections. I love…
3
Three… Three whopping years since it happened. Since my soul mate went to the other side and I ventured out in the unfamiliar world called widowhood.The Angel-versary is always a time where I look back on the time that has passed, things that have been conquered, feelings that have been realized, and growth that has taken place. As I drove in my…
moving
I have been packing. Due to various circumstances beyond my control, the kids and I are moving house. I am determined to make this one of the most organized and tidy moves of all time. This is because the only people who will be available to assist me in the move on the big day are other mamas. Changing phone numbers, applying for education…
Dreaming ….
…. would be a much better thing if we could control it, wouldn’t it? ….. or would it? I’d love going to sleep each night if I knew that I could dream of Jim. I would choose to dream about him as much as possible.Good dreams. Dreams in which he’d be alive. Dreams in which our lives had never been altered …. or rather, ripped to shreds. But…
Uncomfortable
It’s been four and a half years. I have lived 1, 650 days without Daniel Dippel’s voice in my ears, his hand in mine, his presence at my side. I have bought and moved to two different houses and owned two cars he’s never seen. My child has grown 20 inches and advanced 4 grades. I have wrinkles I never dreamed of and traveled to places he’d only…
Still Hurts
One of the very few tasks I completed myself in preparing for Phil’s funeral was personalizing the “guest book.” I clearly remember someone asking me what kind of book I would like to provide for the people who attended the funeral to sign. Suddenly visions of a wedding guest book popped up in my mind and I began to cry as I realized the huge…
Happy Mother’s Day?
Since Day 365 I have been haunted by Art. It’s like making it to that day I somehow expected that he’d show up at the door and yell “Just Kidding!” …at which point I would beat him to a pulp and then cover every bloody inch of him with kisses. After Day 367 that fact that he’s not coming back is more real, almost tangible. And it makes…
give me one reason
You know the term “It happened for a reason”? I hate it. I have used it myself. But I hate it. It seems to say that everything, good or bad, was supposed to happen to make way for some ‘better’ purpose. It’s sappy and it sucks. It’s almost up there with the “He’s in a better place”.With this rationale, maybe because Jeff died, a cherubic little one…
Floundering ….
…. in a sea of change. That’s the name of this picture I found on the internet and it describes me perfectly …. this week. I live in a sea of change. Sometimes it’s a peaceful sea, sometimes it’s choppy …. and sometimes it’s so full of storms and waves that it threatens to drown me. Thankfully those times are fewer than they used to be.I feel…
No Evil?
I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The…
Toasting Alone
Tonight I toasted my youngest son’s confirmation with me, myself, and I. The ceremony was really beautiful, we enjoyed a lively lunch with our family to celebrate, and at the end of the day I felt peaceful and content. So, I popped the cork on a bottle of champagne, and toasted to a joy filled day. As I poured my solo glass of bubbly, I laughed…