I’m avoiding… my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (it’s been cold in LA) cause he’s in there, waiting for me and I don’t want to see him feel his emptiness, be held only by his memory.So I’m up. It’s one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running, avoiding, ducking, and running some more,…
widow
Another and Another
With my 3 year angel-versary in the coming weeks, I thought I’d dig back into posts I wrote in the first months.10.26.07Friday, boring as usual. Going through another day trying to make it as bearable as possible. People are people and I am still the same. Sitting in a coffee shop trying to shave off a few more hours in this day to day life of…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
hawaiian wedding part two
when it was time to get ready for the wedding. i’m of course going tie-less because i still don’t know how to tie one and my wife is no longer here to curse and assist me.we took our seat in the sun and as the bride started walking down the aisle, maddy started to squirm and make some noise. shit. we retreated and i kept one eye on maddy…
I Can’t Compete ….
…. with a memory. Especially a memory that has become gold-lined over the past 2 + years. I’m referring, of course, to my teenagers’ memory of their father.Don’t get me wrong …. he was a great husband (the best I ever had …. ok, so he was the only one I ever had …. whatever). He was a very good father. He was an exceptional man with a…
Survivors
Relay for Life was this past weekend. This is our 5th year as “Team Dippel” and we’ve got it down to a smoothly orchestrated event. The usual suspects attended and we had a great time walking the track, eating unhealthy snacks, and spending some quality time together.Grayson felt it more intensely this time, recognizing the meaning of the event in…
The View Approaching Five
Every once in awhile I am shocked by the fact that Phil has been dead almost five years. This week I met several new people, and shared a bit of my widow story with each of them. Every time I told someone how long it has been since Phil died a little voice in my head asked, has it really been that long? Believing that 56 months have passed since…
Stamps, Please
While at the post office I needed to buy a bulk amount of stamps for the AWP. I ask the lady if she can show me what designs they have available. She asked me if it was for a wedding or shower, “No,” I replied. She pulls out a Frank Sinatra set, another she had nearby, as well as the Purple Heart stamps. “Do you have anything else patriotic,…
lucky me
“Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” ~ Dr. Suess After Jeff died, I had this quote printed in vinyl to stick above my bed to remind me just how ‘lucky’ I am.I read it in the hard moments when the kids are in bed, the phone hasn’t rung in two days and my poor-me’s are flowing. It reminds me that I’m lucky. We’re lucky. Every one…
I’m Not “Normal” …..
….. and finally, FINALLY …. after 2 years and 4 months ….. I’m OK with that. It feels good to finally feel OK with things not really being OK. I don’t think I will ever feel “normal” again. I spent a lot of time fighting that. I wanted to be “normal”. I didn’t want to be a widow. I didn’t want anything to do with widowhood and everything…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…
A Grief Timeline?
The day Phil died I had no idea what kind of roller coaster ride I was about to board. In many ways I felt I was shuffled onto the first outgoing cart marked “grief,” and told to put my lap belt on low and tight. Maybe I would have managed the twists and turns of the journey better if someone handed me a grief timeline that mapped out the course…