I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.

I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The harm that stands in my way will stand there regardless of how deserving I am. Understanding the unfairness and unpredictability of life has had an interesting effect on the way I think and react to the world. I’m less impatient about lots of things now – in that cheesy “don’t sweat the small stuff” way. On the other hand? I’m more impatient now in a “life is too short to put up with this bullshit” sort of way. On the one hand – I am less stressed about bad things happening, I realize that I can’t control them and that they happen whether I am worried sick or not. On the other hand, if I don’t know where someone is I assume they are likely to be approaching death somewhere and the call will come soon enough…

Other paradoxes? I feel intensely vulnerable in my understanding of my own mortality, death can find me anytime. And yet, I often feel invincible – I mean, we’re all going to die right? It might be today, but it is just as likely not to be. I’ve got a 50/50 shot.

I guess you could interpret this as a perfect balance! I’m equal parts optimist and pessimist. It makes for an interesting combination of thoughts in this muddled brain of mine. I’m a sunshiny person who hopes for the best but is absolutely unsurprised when the worst happens.

Happy Tuesday, I really do hope you have a great day (but I won’t be surprised if you don’t!) 😉