“Peace and clarity is not to be learned by flight from the world, or by running away from things, or by turning solitary and going apart from the world. Rather, we must learn an inner solitude wherever or with whomsoever we may be.” -Meister EckhartIt keeps happening. Just when I feel that I not only have seen and entered the light from…
widow
Home Sweet Home
Well, things around here never seem to quite slow down. And lately, in particular, they’ve sped up into super speed! Steve accepted a new job position in Parkersburg, West Virginia. Oh, and we move next week! We are taking a ride on the crazy train and loving every minute of it. Well….almost every minute.While I am thrilled for this new…
Going Back To My “Before” ……
…… and explaining my “After”. This past weekend I went back to my home town for a party. It was a mini-reunion of sorts. Several people from our high school class came, as well as others from a couple of other years …… and several spouses. I loved high school …… most of it anyway.. I don’t know any teenager who loves all of it.
The fury
After three-and-a-half years, I can cope with most days. Some days are sad. Some days are just part of the grey melange I seem to be constantly wading through. Some days are good (not great – nothing is great). And some days I am Just Furious. But I don’t know where to direct this fury…I am furious that my life is not what I worked so hard…
Far Away
I dreamed of Dave the other night. He was alive, now. It had all been a trick. He had actually survived the heart failure and somehow I hadn’t known all this time. He was solid and real, but very changed after his near death experience and I was so relieved that he had survived. The Dave I knew was Mr. Practicality. In his opinion tattoos were…
Living For
“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for.” What is your answer? Don’t try to categorize into a million things. What are the hand full of basics? For life? For you?For me, what I’m living for is love, peace, and joy. (And the ability make it sound like…
Rent-A-Human
I am nowhere near ready to start “dating” again, or “getting myself out there” again, or fall in love again. I am still madly and deeply in love with my dead husband, and I am just not in that place where it feels right to invite someone new into this life with me. Not now. Not yet. I don’t know when. However, there is something that I do want.
The Bubble
My body is already preparing for the 3 year “sadiversary.” It seems this has started a lot sooner this year. I can feel it in my heart, the tears are falling often again. My physical grief always starts in the arches of my feet and the palms of my hands. From there it spreads to my joints, and eventually, my brain. It takes me a while to…
Could This Be ‘Widda Brain’?
…. or am I just a moron?I’d like to think it’s Widda Brain.But how long can I claim that?I mean, my life is forever changed because I’ve been widowed …. it will never be the same. Ever.So …. I should be able to claim “incapacitation due to Widda Brain”.It should be an accepted medical term.I wonder if it’s an accepted mental health…
Redwoods
I spent the morning yesterday hiking alone in Forest Park. I started at Hoyt Arboretum which has acres of trails lined with groupings of tree plantings. I walked through hemlock, fir and oak groves and eventually came to the redwood and sequoia forest. The light barely filtered through the canopy and the giant red trunks seemed to muffle sound. I…
Perspective Driven Purging
When we moved two years after Jeff died, I was forced to go through many of his things. At first, it truly saddened me. I stared at the mass of accumulated items that he had kept for sentimental reasons….sometimes I scratched my head. Sometimes I cried. Often times, I was furious. Why the hell did he keep this collection of bottle caps and an…
It Seems That I Am Overqualified
… to grieve in the same way as most widows. According to certain people. (Surprisingly enough, I wrote this post before I read Amanda’s post from yesterday. It seems we know some of the same people! 🙂 This can be a touchy subject, so be prepared to feel “touchy”.It’s about money.Or the lack thereof. Someone who reads my personal blog…