There are days when this new life feels so connected to past lives. Days when I swear I can feel the joy of all our loved ones radiating through from some other realm. Usually, it’s the days I let go of trying to make everything go right and perfect and remember to just live and have fun. In those moments I can feel their presence, and I can feel…
widowed with children
Not A Merry Month
This time last year I spent wishing my life away, wishing that it was all a mistake. Wishing that people were playing a cruel joke on me. Imagining that this wasn’t my life but that I was living someone else’s life and that the real me was still living a happy and blissful life in love where nothing had changed. Each day was spent running on…
Day Of Birth
Day of birth. A day to celebrate life, at least it use to be. The person I was prior to grief made a big fuss over birthdays. Now I only wish I could fast forward past the day all together. Escape the impending date somehow. He would have turned 30. I would have thrown a surprise party, filling our home with orange helium balloons, but more than…
Surviving Graduation
There is no reason a child should experience the heartache of losing a parent at a young age. I will never forget having to tell my kids that their daddy was gone. Less than one month after his death my daughter graduated preschool. I can’t even begin to explain how heartbreaking it was to have to sit there and watch her sing her songs and recite…
Turning on a Dime
I figured I’d keep with the currency theme for my post title… There are two things I’ve noticed in widowhood – how time becomes quite elastic and how quickly you can find yourself in another stage, another headspace without even realising it. A while ago I wrote about avoiding going back to work. I’ve tried to find the post, but in my…
Comprehension
One thing I’ve struggled with is how to manage John’s understanding of Ian dying. Of having a daddy, but having no memory of him. We’re a family of faith, actively involved in our church community so that gave me a bit of framework to use. We talk about daddy going to heaven, as opposed to other explanations. When ever I’ve been talking to John…
Different life
I’m in that lovely crunch time in semester where I have assignments and other assessments coming out of my butt and I seriously question the sanity of going back to school. Ok, I’m always questioning the sanity of that choice! Which has had me thinking in the last day or so as I worked on cost accounting exercises – would I be doing this if…
Reaching Out
This week has sucked. Pain. Restriction in mobility. Kid who’s acting up. Change over to summer time so sleep is out of whack. Pain meds making my brain addled, so I’ve not been able to study effectively for an exam I have in about 24 hours. Economics is just plain not computing. Frustration I can’t stand long enough to be able to get the house…
Rest
I’m sitting here incapacitated, writing my post while implementing the RICE acronym for injuries. On Saturday while working in the garden as John played under a sprinkler, I tripped over something I knew was in the lawn. Because I’ve not yet got to mowing, the stand for my sun shade has been hidden by the long grass. Whilst trying to…
All to Myself
Right from a young age, Ian encouraged co-sleeping with John. Ian always wanted him close. It was a habit I personally wasn’t keen on, but let it slide. Once they were both asleep (like in this photo), I’d take Ian’s glasses off, and move John to his crib. Since it was the easiest way to calm John, I maintained that habit once Ian got sick and…
Street Appeal
Spring has sprung here, and it’s glorious getting outside, enjoying the sunshine and melting off the cobwebs. Particularly since all my anniversaries fall over the middle of winter and I coop myself up more than ever over the grey season. After I joined the ranks, some of my before interests didn’t satisfy me, didn’t provide the enjoyment they had…
Stumped
It’s one of those ‘what the heck to I write about’ weeks. It’s hard because it’s been a “good” week. Which is really anything that isn’t a bad week. The week has been without too many of those sledgehammer ‘my husband’s dead’ moments. And when they’ve come, it’s been at odd times, like unstacking the dishwasher. But it’s simply been a week where we…