not long after the darkness fell upon us, i came up with an arbitrary goal… wear them one day longer than her. but this wasn’t the first time i let some unspoken goal determine my behavior. no, giving myself a personal challenge that eventually becomes a near obsessive compulsive disorder, this is a problem i’ve always had. like that…
healing for widowed
I Dreamed a Dream ….
I am happy. Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say …. and mean …. those three words. After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again. After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him. After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown. I. Am. Happy. And yet ……….. there are still moments when a…
Musical Monday: Finding Myself
Before I was widowed I knew who I was and I held pretty firm beliefs about life in general. Prior to marrying Phil I lived through a divorce and the ensuing identity crisis, and I came out on the other side more aware of my personal strengths and weaknesses. My divorce also taught me that I was capable of recreating my life. I knew that I didn’t…
Aspire
After he was killed, it was so easy to stay down. Barricaded not only in my house but my emotions, thoughts and feelings. I’d torture myself with not looking at the memories as a gift, but more so, a reminder of that which could never be again. Even as the light would creep in through the darkness, I still didn’t allow myself to feel and live the…
Moving Forward … Not Moving On
…. is different from moving on. Moving on implies forgetting what is past. Moving forward is more difficult. It involves carrying the past with you while you walk forward one step at a time. Never forgetting, but continuing to breathe and live. Some days I can accomplish this. Some days I can’t. Some days the past feels too heavy to carry with…
Ink
***It was nearly 3 years ago that I got my Memorial tattoo for myself. While reminiscing I found the blog I wrote about the experience less than 6 months after he was killed. Since we sometimes forget where we’ve come from in the midst of the grief, healing, and journey that takes place, I thought I’d share this.10.24.07 Nearly 5 hours after…
These Are The Hands
These are the hands of the man who cares for my youngest son. My former suicidal 7 year old. My newly 8 year old. The hands belong to Mark. Mark sees Ezra every Thursday. Mark and Ezra play and Ezra talks to Mark. Ezra says things like: “I’m glad everyone is treating me normal now, only I’m not normal cause I don’t have a dad. and “When my mom…
It Should Have Been ……
…. our 27th anniversary. Friday. The 28th. It should have been. Instead, it was the day our oldest child/daughter graduated from graduate school. And I was with her. Just me. It should have been us. But it wasn’t. It was just me. Again.I get tired of it being just me. For everything. Every big day. Every “first day of ….” Every “last day…
The Meaning of Sacrifice
There was a time that I could not imagine being a widow. There was a time when I didn’t know that widowed people come in all shapes and sizes. There was a time that I knew the dictionary definition of the word sacrifice, but I had no idea how that word fit into the widowhood experience.Since I began leading an organization that creates a network of…
When It’s Quiet
I took a drive last night with the top down. Driving 70 I couldn’t hear anything but the wind and engine. The effect was therapeutic in a white noise way. I emptied my mind and just drifted for a few minutes. What I found there in the roar of the wind was a little piece of myself. I had some “deep thoughts” for a few miles and found that I need…
Separate Worlds
A friend of mine told me that his 99 year old Grandfather had just died, and that his wife who is also 99 years old is still living. She wondered how long the wife was going to live now that the husband is gone. “I’m sure it’s not the same for you, but you hear all the time with the elderly how quickly other one dies after the death of their…
Parenthesis
As noted last weekend, the 21st marked 3 years since my hero’s death, but tradition continues of being around amazing widows leading up to or after the date. This past week we were in Fayetteville, NC for our annual golf tournament for the organization, followed by our annual AWP Skydive!Like all of our events, we have a definite melting pot of…