I am happy.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say …. and mean …. those three words.

After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again.

After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him.

After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown.

I.

Am.

Happy.

 

And yet ……

….. there are still moments when a wave of grief will hit me smack in the face, threatening to knock me under again.

Even now.

And, I suppose, even later.

In spite of what’s going on in my life.

Or sometimes …. maybe because of it.

 

Last week I was in heaven.

Really.

I was floating around the Mediterranean with our oldest daughter, celebrating her graduation from grad school.

We had a great time.

We saw and experienced and ate things we’d never seen, experienced or eaten before.

We swam in cold, crystal clear water.

We met wonderful, friendly people.

It was amazing.

 

And yet …..

One night, during one of the shows on the ship, I heard a song that I’ve heard hundreds of times before.

I’ve played it hundreds of times before (on the piano).

I’ve sung it (to myself!) many, many times.

 

But this time ….. it was different.

This time ….. it made me think of Jim.

And this time ….. it made me weep ….. a lot.

Because, as usual …… he should have been there.

 

And yet …..

he was not.

 

So I listened to this song and cried.

And missed him.

And thought how this should be something we both experienced with our daughter.

And knew that it was only one of many, many times I will think this.

 

And yet ……

the wave did not drown me.

It’s different now.

The waves don’t knock me down.

They hit me, for certain.

They knock me off balance, for sure.

But they do not suck me under.

Not any more.

Thank God.

 

You will get stronger.

I promise.

You will be smile again.

I promise.

You will laugh again.

I promise.

You will still get hit with waves.

I promise.

And you will never, ever forget.

No matter how many years will pass.

 

I promise.