I have gone out of my way to avoid the parking lot of our doctor’s office for two years and two months. I’d park on the other side of the building and walk the long way to get to my appointment. As I approached the glass doors to the dreaded parking from the opposite entrance I’d avoid looking at one specific tree. This tree marked the spot where…
healing for widowed
We Missed Him …..
…. at this little girl’s (the one in purple) college graduation this weekend. Very much. But I didn’t cry. If you don’t count the night before. That was the toughest time. For me. He should have been there. These “big events” are both sweet …. and difficult. I never pictured doing them without him. Never. But it was good. We celebrated. We…
Dreaming ….
…. would be a much better thing if we could control it, wouldn’t it? ….. or would it? I’d love going to sleep each night if I knew that I could dream of Jim. I would choose to dream about him as much as possible.Good dreams. Dreams in which he’d be alive. Dreams in which our lives had never been altered …. or rather, ripped to shreds. But…
Uncomfortable
It’s been four and a half years. I have lived 1, 650 days without Daniel Dippel’s voice in my ears, his hand in mine, his presence at my side. I have bought and moved to two different houses and owned two cars he’s never seen. My child has grown 20 inches and advanced 4 grades. I have wrinkles I never dreamed of and traveled to places he’d only…
Still Hurts
One of the very few tasks I completed myself in preparing for Phil’s funeral was personalizing the “guest book.” I clearly remember someone asking me what kind of book I would like to provide for the people who attended the funeral to sign. Suddenly visions of a wedding guest book popped up in my mind and I began to cry as I realized the huge…
Floundering ….
…. in a sea of change. That’s the name of this picture I found on the internet and it describes me perfectly …. this week. I live in a sea of change. Sometimes it’s a peaceful sea, sometimes it’s choppy …. and sometimes it’s so full of storms and waves that it threatens to drown me. Thankfully those times are fewer than they used to be.I feel…
No Evil?
I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
Survivors
Relay for Life was this past weekend. This is our 5th year as “Team Dippel” and we’ve got it down to a smoothly orchestrated event. The usual suspects attended and we had a great time walking the track, eating unhealthy snacks, and spending some quality time together.Grayson felt it more intensely this time, recognizing the meaning of the event in…
The View Approaching Five
Every once in awhile I am shocked by the fact that Phil has been dead almost five years. This week I met several new people, and shared a bit of my widow story with each of them. Every time I told someone how long it has been since Phil died a little voice in my head asked, has it really been that long? Believing that 56 months have passed since…
Stamps, Please
While at the post office I needed to buy a bulk amount of stamps for the AWP. I ask the lady if she can show me what designs they have available. She asked me if it was for a wedding or shower, “No,” I replied. She pulls out a Frank Sinatra set, another she had nearby, as well as the Purple Heart stamps. “Do you have anything else patriotic,…
lucky me
“Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” ~ Dr. Suess After Jeff died, I had this quote printed in vinyl to stick above my bed to remind me just how ‘lucky’ I am.I read it in the hard moments when the kids are in bed, the phone hasn’t rung in two days and my poor-me’s are flowing. It reminds me that I’m lucky. We’re lucky. Every one…