I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I’ve come. It’s been over a year since I’ve looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive…
healing for widowed
Yep, that’s me…
I miss the quirky awkwardness that was all ours. The waking up in the morning and making up songs about the cereal I was about to eat. The moments where he’d surprise me….not with roses, but fried okra. Giggling like teenagers as we snuck out to fool around in random parking lots.Smiling at each other during cheesy movies and then getting in the…
no tears
while friend johnny utah was out for a run (obviously he is crazy), maddie and I started walking toward the playground. saw a mom, a dad.each one holding an arm counting to three swinging their daughter, daughter laughing hysterically. how does a single father bring that kind of joy? i could try it with one arm, but that would look terrible to…
Splat
I am standing, sobbing, in the parking lot of Costco in the arms of a strange man. The parking lot of Costco, my cart next to me. I am unable to find my car.It’s not my car, it’s the one I am borrowing. And when I left the store, striding like a woman who knows EXACTLY where she is going, I remembered what it looked like. But as I neared the row,…
Turn the Light On
The other night I was enjoying dinner with one of my great friends. She is also a widow and will be coming up on two years since the loss of her soul mate. As we sat and enjoyed our meals, drinks, conversation and company, it became obvious that in a restaurant full of people, we were the only ones laughing, smiling, toasting and enjoying the…
comradery
Before widowhood, I really, truly thought I knew a lot. I supposed I knew how I should/would/could react in a variety of situations. How others should/could/would act. The ‘right’ the ‘wrong’ in a plethora of situations. What a variety of other people’s actions meant regarding their thoughts or mental state. I was wrong. So very wrong.I remember so…
who she was
taken at the broback wedding.two weeks(including a trip to greece)after ours.i think i havea new favoritephoto of liz.i talked to the male brobackabout thisand we’re sure she’s waving to someonewho was a complete stranger to herjust hours earlier.everyone washer best friend.i can’t get enough ofthat shot.this is trulywho she was.
Peace and Quiet ….
… are not two things that I’ve felt a lot of over the past two years. Not that I haven’t experienced quiet …. I have …. sometimes too much quiet, right? But I haven’t felt the quiet …. inside of me. Not like I used to anyway. But there are days now ….. finally, that I am feeling more at peace …. and more quiet.Certainly not every day.
Friends Matter
In my pre-widow life I was fortunate to have lots of friends. We bonded over jobs or kids or committee work or a combination of any/all of these. I knew the value of girlfriends who set you straight when you are weaving a self-destructive path, those who would hold your hair at just the right moment, and the ones with whom I could share my child…
I Will Try to Fix You
I love this song and the message it holds. As long as I’m clear on what the word “fix” means to me in this concept. If “fixing” means that I am broken and someone has the magical fairy dust that will make me “happy” and make me “forget”, than I don’t like this song a bit. On the other hand if “fixing” means you will love me, accept me for who I am…
A Mending Heart
Yes, I can feel my heart mending. Not healing, really, because I don’t think it will ever be completely healed, but it will mend and have a permanent scar upon it. But in the mending process I’m also finding out that it’s growing a bit larger. You see, I have met someone and we are truly enjoying each other’s company and learning to care for each…
Lordy Lordy Look Who’s 40!
Forty and fabulous, for sure!! There is no doubt in my mind that this birthday may be one of the best ever for our wonderful Michele. I soooo wish I could be there, but if it is humanly possible to be there “in spirit” – I’m there.I had to change this post a little because of Michele’s post from yesterday. Her life in pictures is a great way to…