….. even though it did take two years for me to believe it. I will. …. even though it took two years for me to want to. I will….. even though I still have days (sometimes weeks) when I’m knocked down by an unexpected wave. I will. …. even though I still have days (sometimes weeks) when I’m angry at Jim for leaving (yes, it’s irrational, of…
healing for widowed
I Still Miss You
I Still Miss YouI’ve changed the presets in my truckso those old songs don’t sneak upthey still find me and remind meyeah you come back that easytry restaurants I’ve never been toorder new things off the menuthat I never tried cause you didn’t liketwo drinks in you were by my sideI’ve talked to friendsI’ve talked to myselfI’ve talked to GodI prayed…
Flashbacks
Phil died a violent death. Though my brain acknowledges this fact, I have tried to shield my heart from the reality of his final moments. I am not a person who ever felt compelled to explore the details of the exact location of his body on the pavement, or the number of seconds it took the driver to pull over after the accident. My imagination…
The Door
March 24th, 2007- I sat in my office, blaring music and talking to a fellow Army wife on IM. Wearing my pajamas, which consisted of Michael’s basic training sweatshirt, I swirled around on my wooden office chair with the sun creeping through the blinds. Underneath the rumble of music I hear something…another noise that I soon decipher as a phone…
Happiness- Provided by Me
“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden Let me just say how much I love this quote. I really should print it on cards and hand it out to those who make the snide remarks that I will not be able to be…
those little things
It’s the ‘little things’ can that drive you mad or madly in love. The way his jaw clicks when he chews. Or the way he tucks your hair behind you ear as he assures you that it will be okay. The way he feels compelled to tell you how to solve a problem when you’re venting. Or the way he stares at you from across the room with a smile touching his…
Do You Mind?
Hi honey, It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter. In fact, my eyes are welling up now realizing that I talk to you all the time in my heart but those words are no longer committed to paper. Remember the letters I wrote to you every day for the first year? I spilled my frustrations, feelings, fears, and memories across every…
Dance Party
I’m never sure how they start. But there is this collective agreement. A collective need to release the energy. And so one of the kids turns the music on and we are having A SPONTANEOUS DANCE PARTY!!! We take turns recording our latest and most definitely best dance moves with our Flip. We don’t care if we are out of rhythm (which rarely happens…
Do You Have a Lighter?
I’ve been able to reach the life I deserved. Just as stated above. But then the sparks fizzled…went out…as that life slipped through my fingers with fate’s plan. This past weekend though, in the presence of those acquainted with the loss of their love, their soul mates, the sparks reignited, pilot light by pilot light.I am coming to learn to…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…
Every Choice
It’s a song day. I’ve loved this song for years, and it has applied to so many different times in my life when I’ve been faced with making a choice. Since becoming a widow, the idea of choice has been a constant theme in my life. At first just choosing to get out of bed was a conscious decision. As time has passed, it has become a choice to live my…
Saying Yes
As a parent, I have often found saying NO to be easier than saying YES. Over the years I have made a conscious effort to consider the questions my kids ask me before I blurt out a negative response. Many times I realize that the reason I say NO is that I don’t want to take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the request. I will confess that…