I don’t sit alone very often. I could tell you it’s because I have 3 kids at home that I’m a solo parent to, but I think I’d be lying. The real reason I don’t sit alone is because I don’t like to, and I don’t want to. Friday night, I found myself sitting outside […]
Widowed Emotions
Grief Gardener
I was overwhelmed with the immense inheritance of isolation that bereavement bestowed upon me. The biggest question keeping me from moving forward was: “Where do I even begin?” Analysis paralysis when all things seem unorganized, depression dust devils making the barren widowed wasteland look impossible. How do I even start? This week we had the […]
Fall Down Seven Times
Stand Up Eight On this early morning I am thinking about death. The loss of my beloved life-partner demonstrated death to me on the closest level possible. Which takes me to the next thought, I, too, will die. Thoughts such as this come without warning, arriving like fog. One day they are far from your […]
Untethered
Widowhood makes me feel untethered in so many ways. Sometimes, it’s the small things that make me feel so unattached. For me, adult communication is at the top of my list. As a young adult, I bloomed from a quiet shy girl into an extroverted woman. I have no problems telling stories, getting up in […]
Grief and Gratitude
It’s been over two years since I wrote the following blog. We carry grief like an autoimmune issue. It’s always going to be part of us and can flare up. I constantly look back at where I was to remind me of what I’ve grown through. Life has blessed me with a second chance and […]
Body.
As I worked with my therapists after Boris died, especially while working through my trauma of finding him and the aftermath of his death, something that came up for me a lot was about his body. I remember his body the night he died and it comes up for me quite often, even still today, […]
Uncharted Parenting
I have never tried to keep how Tony passed a secret. Even if I had, the community here is too tight knit. Although we’re part of a metro city, the suburbs where I live is one of those where you can’t go anywhere without seeing someone you know. Add in the fact that both Tony […]
The Grief Hangover
My widowed journey has been unique. The timeline delt to me kept me four years from the closure of Clayton’s funeral. This week has felt different, lighter but emotionally dizzy. Most of us deal with all the immediate emotional events within weeks but life decided to stretch mine out and this week I finally feel […]
Reasons to, Reasons not to
Images my own, July 2022 – Lake Geneva In a couple of days, I hope to swim across Lake Geneva at its widest point – Lausanne to Evian. 13 km. A smidge over 8 miles. As the crow flies. And I am neither a crow, nor am I flying. Instead, the wind seems to be […]
Happy Camper
Today I’m coming to you from sunny San Diego before I fly home to the Midwest tonight. I’ve spent the last 4 days immersed in my widow community at Camp Widow. I am so happy I found this network of grievers who lift each other up in whatever they need in the moment. Last October, […]
Growing Through Grief with Gratitude
Yesterday I felt like I hit the grief guardrail at 75 miles an hour. I knew it was coming and I knew I couldn’t turn fast enough. It was emotionally inevitable and, as much as I wanted to avoid it, I also have been needing it. It was an intimate group of family and friends […]
Widowed Time
A Treasure to be Discovered 7am – the hot summer day barely peeks into my view…when you live in Cali, specifically Riverside, you can tell early on if it will be a hot one. I sit in the sort-of dining room / never quite an office / former in-between-nothing-room and put down words on a […]