Today is one of those days where Julia’s death, the reality of it, gets through to me… just a little bit more. Despite it always being present, always heavy in my heart, wearisome in my lungs, ponderous on my shoulders, tense in my jaw, sick in my stomach, light, shaky and trembly in my hands […]
Widowed by Illness
Champagne Dreams and Lost Love Legacies
Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I’m unbelievably grateful for the outpouring of celebration especially on social media where so many of us are finding community during a pandemic. I decided that the day should start with a toast to lost loves and no better way than a glass of Veuve Clicquot champagne – The Widow’s […]
My Veteran~
I was born into a military family. My dad was career Army, a West Point graduate. Two of my brothers served in the Navy and the Marines, respectively. A good part of my growing up years were spent on military bases, both in Germany and the States. My dream came true when I spotted Chuck […]
On Love and Risk
Main image from the LA Times, July 2020 Remember when, back in the 1980s, just as we were getting sexually active (if you’re my age), and AIDS hit….? There were all those adverts, in the UK at least, on billboards, in the press, perhaps even on TV – (no social media back then), of a […]
It’s Ok to Not Be Ok
Honesty and authenticity is where my blog writing begins. There are moments in the journey that spark continuity in the conversation of my condition but there is so much else involved that I don’t know how to articulate yet. There is no manual on how to do this. The road is written as its traveled. […]
My Heart’s Music~
Do you think I’m going to let you just leave after telling me something like that? These were Chuck’s words as I headed to the door after confessing to him that I’d fallen in Love with him. I’d been attending meetings for adult children of alcoholics and counseling, where I practiced telling myself the truth […]
Resilience is…
I could have gone a few different directions for this week’s writing. One was going to be about some death admin that was, in the end, straightforward and easy, if also hard. I might yet write about that, just because I do so love challenging my embedded belief that all admin (death admin) is horrendously […]
Tears of A Clown
It’s Halloween again. I used to mark my year’s passing by holidays and life events. Now that Clayton is gone, my year is filled with reminders written in grief across the days, weeks, months and seasons. My year is a grief calendar. It’s been four years since I really did anything. We dress up at […]
A Huge Moment in Northwest Texas~
It was completely unexpected. My first road trip since the pandemic began. I wasn’t towing my pink trailer, but I did add a bunch of decals to my pink car, deciding that my car needs to represent my Odyssey of Love just as much as my trailer does, covered as it is with the hundreds […]
Facing Death, Embracing Life
My beautiful friend Joan, one of the very very very few people who has (a) consistently been present, (b) more or less accessible, and (c) capable of sitting with and exploring whatever colour and shade of emotional energy has come up for me these past four, very long years, co-facilitates a personal development programme called […]
Washing the Widowed Window
I clean. I clean the dishes. I clean the laundry. I clean the house – Well sort of. I’ll admit I clean what’s apparent, the obvious and easily seen. Since Clayton passed away, I’ve been busy with a full time job, a side business and just figuring out life. They say that grief triggers hit […]
From Devastation…to this…
I’m leaving tomorrow for my first road trip in over a year. Since settling into AZ to make a documentary about my Odyssey of Love a year ago, in fact. I only decided to do this a few days ago, but I was immediately excited, just contemplating being back out on the road. This adventure […]