• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Widow's Voice

Widow's Voice

  • Soaring Spirits
  • Donate
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors
    • Victoria Helmly
    • Staci Sulin
    • Emma Pearson
    • Alison Miller
    • Gary Ravitz
    • Kelley Lynn
    • Bryan Martin

Tears of A Clown

Posted on: October 31, 2020 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

It’s Halloween again. I used to mark my year’s passing by holidays and life events. Now that Clayton is gone, my year is filled with reminders written in grief across the days, weeks, months and seasons. My year is a grief calendar.

It’s been four years since I really did anything. We dress up at work for the kids to come and Trick-or-Treat but that’s not the same. Tin loved Halloween. He embraced whatever costume he poured his excitement into. There is something magically innocent about playing pretend. You feel like a kid again allowing your imagination to run free. I used to feel that way but as people throw costume parties and kids collect their candy, I start to collect my memories of the treats I had before life tricked me. I wish I could have that time back and ironically tonight is daylight savings. The clocks turn back but not back far enough to hold his hand on Halloween just one more time.

Sometimes, when I walk into a place I haven’t experienced since Clayton died, I time travel. My mind reverts to the last time I was there and I briefly forget he’s gone. It’s really hard when present time hits and the heartache returns. I try to get through grief doors on my way moving forward. However, my fear is going through the other side of this Halloween door and finding I stumbled into a haunted house. Monsters in mirrored memories, my lost spirits and skeletons surprising me around a seemingly safe and simple spooky scene while ghosts of Halloween past cause me to gasp for air around strangers. Everywhere I look I don’t recognize anyone, they are coming towards me and I can’t escape. I finally let my imagination out and now it’s got the best of me. I reach for his hand and the horror sets in. He’s gone, I’m alone in a nightmare and I can’t control grief’s rushing return when I remember.

In all honesty, I don’t do many things I used to because I’m scared. I’m scared I will get upset and not be able to contain it. I can’t feel shame for my emotions but I also don’t need them to be on a public stage. There is no stopping the flood when my grief gates break. You see, for me, everyday already has a little dusting of Halloween pretend. A bit of costume and slight of hand, I’m the ringleader and entertainers of my own widowed circus. Some days I juggle, some days I walk the tight rope. Some days I feel like the side show freak, the widowed weirdo, and some days I’m the acrobat or the fire breather. It brings me great joy entertaining the crowd but some nights after the show, somewhere behind the scenes of the big top, there are tears of a clown when there’s no one around…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.

Primary Sidebar

Footer

Quick Links

  • Home
  • Blog
  • Categories
  • Authors

SSI Network

  • Soaring Spirits International
  • Camp Widow
  • Resilience Center
  • Widowed Village
  • Widowed Pen Pal Program
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube

Contact Info

Soaring Spirits International
2828 Cochran St. #194
Simi Valley, CA 93065

Email: [email protected]

Phone: 877-671-4071

Soaring Spirits International is a 501(c)3 Corporation EIN#: 38-3787893. Soaring Spirits International provides resources with no endorsement implied.

Copyright © 2021 Widow's Voice. All Rights Reserved.