Widow's Voice

From Devastation…to this…

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I’m leaving tomorrow for my first road trip in over a year.

Since settling into AZ to make a documentary about my Odyssey of Love a year ago, in fact.

I only decided to do this a few days ago, but I was immediately excited, just contemplating being back out on the road.

This adventure comes just a few days after releasing the trailer to my documentary…what I call my Loveumentary.

My team is working hard on editing the full documentary, and my plan is to release it on Chuck’s anniversary date…April 21.

It’s all unreal to me, that I’ve gotten this far in making it. That I’ve gotten this far in this life I’ve created for myself.

I don’t know where it’s all going from here. I don’t know the hows and the whys.

This is nothing new, right?

We all stepped away from that moment of impact, as Christina Rasmussen calls it, with no clue about anything. None.

I could easily get lost in the doubt and wondering about all of it, same as I could have when Chuck died.

Here’s what I do know, however.

I didn’t know how to live without Chuck when he died.
I didn’t know how to tow or camp when I bought my trailer.
I didn’t know how to earn money for myself when the life insurance ran out.
I didn’t know how to navigate around the country when grief fog was the only thing in my brain.
I didn’t know how to make a documentary when I decided it was time to make a documentary. Nor did I know anyone who could help me.

I knew none of this.

And yet, here I am.
Still alive. (and yes, I curse that fact frequently).
I’ve learned how to tow and camp.
I’m making a living. Barely. But managing.
And I’ve made a freaking documentary about my Odyssey of Love.

Now, just so you know…none of this has been done anywhere near perfectly, but here’s the next part. I don’t care about showing up perfectly. I’m good with showing up messy. I show up not having a clue. I show up with devastation in my heart. I show up missing Chuck more than is possible with my heart still beating. I show up with tears in my eyes, and I show up laughing.

I just show up. In as much pink as possible. Loving him still, and always.

It’s ironic in every way that it can be. People message me about what I’m doing and tell me that they couldn’t do this. They don’t have enough faith. They haven’t healed to a place where they feel they can do much of anything. They call me brave. Strong. That I must have soooo much faith and hope. Etc.

It smacks me silly because…I don’t even know what the world healing means. I don’t believe in hope. And I don’t subscribe to any particular faith. I never use any of those words in relation to my world since Chuck died.

I do, however, believe that Love is the strongest force in the Universe.

I do believe that Chuck left every bit of Love behind for me that he possibly could.

It is this one thing…Love…that turned the key in the ignition of my car 3 weeks after Chuck died as I set out on all the unknown roads.

It is this one thing…Love…that imbued me with the courage to buy a trailer and learn what I needed to learn.

It is this one thing…Love….that got me out on the road where I’ve pushed every comfort zone I’ve ever had.

It is this one thing…Love...that makes me swing my feet to the floor every damn morning and propels me through my days.

It is the mere possibility of finding Love in the unlikeliest of places, connecting with people each and every day, that keeps me going.

I simply will not allow fear and doubt any space in my mind or heart to counteract what I know to be the strongest force in the Universe.

Love has guided me this far, which is farther than I could see on that day I left the condo we’d rented in California, alone and completely discombobulated and disoriented. Distracted. Displaced.

And I firmly believe, against any doubts that creep into my head at any point, that Love will continue to guide me, whatever is on the road ahead.

I’ll speak about Chuck, about our Love story, about Love and connection with the rest of the world when our hearts shatter, for the remainder of my life. Whether people want to hear any of it or not. I’ll continue collecting names and messages of Love on my rig. I’ll continue reaching out to people with Love, using all the energy I used to give to Chuck.

L.O.V.E.

Just watch out world.

You ain’t seen nothin’ from me yet~

 

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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