I am on a French TGV, leaving behind me my parents who live south of Perpignan. The train left the station about 25 minutes ago and I am already in the lagoon-rich part of South East France, pink flamingos on either side of the train; the normally blue lagoons turned a pale shade of grey […]
Widowed by Illness
Wid-OWED
Wid-OWED This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton sit on a bookshelf until we can figure out a funeral for them. I’m coming up on 3 years since Clayton […]
Music and a Love Story~
Music is a huge part of my life, as it is for so many of us as we live our daily lives. A few days ago, as I listened to my music playlist titled Chuck, it took me a moment before I realized that my entire body had relaxed. Not only had it relaxed but […]
The Peter Pan Perspective
I couldn’t wait to grow up. I can distinctly remember being in 5th grade and telling myself I only had to deal with this for 7 more years and then I’d be free to fly. I’ve always been a big dreamer. At times my imagination would create beautiful worlds and outcomes of grandeur. I’d have […]
February~
On February 18, Chuck and I would have celebrated 31 years together. It sucks that he’s dead and we can’t rejoice in being together. We wouldn’t have anything necessarily planned. Maybe go out to dinner, wherever we happened to be in our travels. It would have most definitely wrapped up with great sex. Fucking cancer […]
Terry, I wish I’d tried harder to love you while you were still alive
I like to claim that “I don’t do guilt”. It’s not that “I don’t do guilt at all”, it’s more that I try to catch any guilt quickly and figure out if the guilt is bringing anything of value. Mostly it’s not. Same same with regrets. I like to say “I don’t regret things”. Again, […]
Pets and People Years
Everyone has a set time here on this Animal Planet. When we take in a new family member, we know there are good chances we will be there for their whole life and still be here when they have moved on. It’s a normal part of life and we buffer our emotions by planning ahead […]
Where Lies Home?
Somewhere in our second year of our travels, Chuck and I met friends for dinner in NJ, a state that had been our home for 2 decades. He served at McGuire AFB, both active duty and in civil service, following his retirement, and we raised our kids there. One of our friends asked us what […]
A Wave of Fresh Green Grief Amidst the Snowy Whiteness
Yesterday was a gloriously sunny day, brilliant and bright and fresh and sparkling after the recent snowfalls. Medjool and I had already decided that we would head up into the Jura for a cross-country ski. He knows the region better than I do and so selected where we went. A place that was new-to-me for […]
Worries and Whys
Growing up, I suffered from severe asthma, allergies, etc. It was common for me to take medication daily. I can recall the shear panic if my wheezing started and I couldn’t find my rescue inhaler. I couldn’t do what the “normal” kids did and I was bullied, left out and judged. As I got older, […]
Reverie~
I find myself lost in reverie frequently. Staring into the distance, seemingly. What I’m really doing is staring into the stillness of my heart, Into the stillness of memories long past. As I write this blog, my fingers trail off typing and it takes a few minutes to come back to the here and now, […]
Under This Widowed Weight
Throughout caring for Clayton before he died, I felt the weight of responsibilities. The weight of being a caregiver and the weight of working full time, the weight of making sure medications were dosed and delivered on time, the weight of his comfort and the weight of emotions. Heaviest of all for me, the weight […]