Music is a huge part of my life, as it is for so many of us as we live our daily lives.
A few days ago, as I listened to my music playlist titled Chuck, it took me a moment before I realized that my entire body had relaxed. Not only had it relaxed but I felt a softening of my heart as my thoughts drifted to Chuck and who he and I were together for 24 years. Listening to the music he and I listened to and danced to filled me with longing for him, but that longing also filled the vast emptiness that I mostly feel since the meat slicer pain left my chest at about the 4.5 year mark. Disbelief that he’s still dead is a part of this longing, but I honestly prefer this feeling to the emptiness. Chuck’s absence, as I listened, felt no more than the width of a clear contact lens. I let the music continue, absorbing that closeness that I just don’t feel at any other time. I’m good with this longing for him; it’s more than what I usually have. It softens me.
I played one song after another..all of the songs that bring him right back to me, sending me off into reverie…
Could I Have this Dance by Anne Murray…
The first song we ever danced to, shortly after meeting.
The Lights are On, Nobody’s Home by Clint Black…
Back in the days of answering machines, those days when pretty much everyone would record clever messages to be heard by callers, Chuck used that song as the backdrop of telling people to call us back.
Look at Us by Vince Gill…
Chuck bought this video for me and we danced to it in our living room. We knew we had decades ahead of us back then.
Boot Scootin’ Boogie by Brooks and Dunn…
I talked Chuck into joining me in country dance classes. Which he really didn’t care for, but he watched as I enthusiastically line danced to this one.
More Clint Black music…
The USO at McGuire AFB sponsored a free Clint Black concert for the military and Chuck and I had seats in the 7th row.
The Air Force anthem by the Air Force band…
Every year we went to July 4th celebrations at Ft Dix in NJ, set up our lawn chairs, people watched, chatted with Chuck’s military buddies who stopped by. Following his retirement, I’d always have to persuade Chuck to stand when this song played and all AF veterans were requested to stand and be recognized for their service.
I Dreamed a Dream by Susan Boyle…
Chuck played this on his laptop every night before signing off as we traveled our Happily Homeless travels for our last 4 years. He admired Susan Boyle deeply.
You’re the Inspiration by Chicago…
After spending a day in Death Valley we were headed back to our lodging…the sky was that molten gold hour that the Scots call the gloaming. It was magical. This song came on and I edged our car to the side of the road. Something told me to stop and honor that particular moment at that particular time. I said to Chuck let’s dance. He hadn’t felt well all day and told me that he didn’t know if he could. I urged him just try and we met at the front of the car, there in the gloaming, and he put his arm around me and I placed my hand in his and we slow danced.
Easy for Me to Say by Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black…
2013…We were in our rental in southern CA. Chuck had been getting progressively sick but we didn’t know it was the cancer returned. We’d come to the reluctant conclusion that it was time to get off the road and find a dr. That night, though, this song came on and Chuck slowly walked over to me, almost bent over from whatever was going on with him, but he held his hand out to me and said let’s dance. His hand holding mine was gentle and I remember his raspy breathing. We were only a few steps into the dance when he stopped, with tears in his eyes, and whispered to me I can’t continue. It hurts too much. The next morning I took him to the ER, where they admitted him and found his body riddled with cancer and immediately put him into the hospital.
A Thousand Years by Christina Perri…
I played this song as I sat next to Chuck on his hospital bed, singing the refrain to him in my off key voice. I knew he was dying.
The Mountain by Trevor Hall…
Our daughter Rachael-Grace hoop danced to this tune at her dad’s memorial service. It was poetic and powerful and moving in the extreme.
I’ll See You Again by Westlife…
This song was the backdrop to the slideshow that played during the service. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, but I played it anyways because it’s beautiful.
Love You to the End by The Pogues…
I sang this song to Chuck at his memorial service, even though I don’t sing and wouldn’t have considered singing publicly except that our youngest son texted this song to me shortly after his dad’s death, suggesting that I sing it at the service. He didn’t know that P.S. I Love You, the movie that featured this song, was one of his dad and my favorite movies and that we’d watched it the night before I took Chuck to the ER. Nick and I practiced it for a few weeks before the service and I sang it unflinchingly while he accompanied me on guitar, dressed in his his Class A’s; he was a firefighter.
Taps by a military bugler from the base where Chuck retired…
Chuck didn’t mention military honors for his service. I insisted on them for him. I listened to that bugler as I clutched the folded American flag that was just presented to me, and chanted over and over to myself don’t faint don’t faint don’t faint. My knees still feel locked, these many years later.
Amazing Grace by a piper I hired for Chuck’s service…
The notes of the pipes rang through the trees, echoing the loneliness in my heart and soul.
In the second year following Chuck’s death, I got a tattoo that curls down the outside of my lower right leg. It says I will sing you to me. These words are a quote from another of my and Chuck’s favorite movies...Australia.
We sing our loved ones to us when they are far away.
Music takes me back and keeps me going in my present.
Particular songs bring Chuck back to me, and bring me back to the woman I was with him. It soothes my soul to remember back, so that I feel Chuck in this time, his arms wrapped around me, his Love enveloping me, his strength around my life.
I will always sing Chuck to me…