Widow's Voice

The Peter Pan Perspective

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I couldn’t wait to grow up. I can distinctly remember being in 5th grade and telling myself I only had to deal with this for 7 more years and then I’d be free to fly. I’ve always been a big dreamer. At times my imagination would create beautiful worlds and outcomes of grandeur. I’d have great hopes for the future but that active imagination would also turn dark and create some intense fears out of nothing.

I can remember being so upset by the littlest things and my dad would say “Do you really want something to cry about?” He wasn’t being threatening, he was providing perspective that there are harder things in life and everything didn’t need to be a “trigger”. No one told me that the future I was wishing to get to would be filled with things much worse then 5th graders. Those 7 years felt like they dragged and all of a sudden I’m 42 and widowed. I didn’t want to be this kind of grown up.

I have had many days since Clayton passed wishing I could have paused time. Just to be able to hang up my shadow and be carefree. Some days I’ve played pretend and lived in a fairytale where everything was fine. Some nights I’d go to bed hoping it was all a bad dream. I’d just wake up back in my bedroom a much wiser 5th grader. No rushing and way more respect for the process.

I can’t go back so all I can do is share my perspective in hopes that others will slow down their rush. You never know what that next big thing is and my dad was right, it might really be something to cry about.

For the past three years I have searched and searched in all my imagination. Although at times I truly feel like “a lost boy” I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find a way to get to Neverland. Peter Pan never stopped by and I’m well aware of my shadow…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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