This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton sit on a bookshelf until we can figure out a funeral for them. I’m coming up on 3 years since Clayton died with so much missing closure. On top of all that, I can’t walk through a store without pink and red hearts “Valentine vomited” everywhere. This week, while others savor the sweets, I keep biting off more bitter.
It’s very common for people to tell me to hold on and that things are going to get better. They say that good things happen to good people. Others say that life isn’t fair, move on and hard work pays off. How do you balance honoring your emotions but also putting on your big boy pants and moving forward? This week, “Everything happens for a reason” leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. This week I feel like a kid forced to sit at the table until my plate is cleaned while the rest of the neighborhood is outside playing. It’s just not fair.
Dear Life, when is there a block of time without difficulties, reminders, holiday hardships and heartbreaking hard work? I’m tired. This week I am more worn down. I don’t think this is a matter of feeling entitled. I feel owed.
“Life, I would like to speak to your manager please. I’m Wid-OWED.”
I know that declaration doesn’t change anything but I just have to say it out loud. I am very aware that my life is not all difficulties. There are many others who have similar or other challenging life experiences but, again, it is ok for me to be fed up and say it out loud. These feelings will pass. I will eventually find myself walking through grounds of gratitude again but not this day, not this week. This week I don’t want to see people holding hands happy. This week I don’t want to hear people talk about their family plans. This week I don’t want to know that a couple just got the house of my dreams because they have two incomes. They’ll get to celebrate together with a box of chocolates and I’ll be here alone with this box full of my broken heart…