Widow's Voice

Wid-OWED

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Wid-OWED

This week has been tough. I have had conversations with probate court to try and finalize Clayton’s Will and picked up Stallone’s (our cat) ashes back from the veterinarian. Now he and Clayton sit on a bookshelf until we can figure out a funeral for them. I’m coming up on 3 years since Clayton died with so much missing closure. On top of all that, I can’t walk through a store without pink and red hearts “Valentine vomited” everywhere. This week, while others savor the sweets, I keep biting off more bitter.

It’s very common for people to tell me to hold on and that things are going to get better. They say that good things happen to good people. Others say that life isn’t fair, move on and hard work pays off. How do you balance honoring your emotions but also putting on your big boy pants and moving forward? This week, “Everything happens for a reason” leaves a terrible taste in my mouth. This week I feel like a kid forced to sit at the table until my plate is cleaned while the rest of the neighborhood is outside playing. It’s just not fair.

Dear Life, when is there a block of time without difficulties, reminders, holiday hardships and heartbreaking hard work? I’m tired. This week I am more worn down. I don’t think this is a matter of feeling entitled. I feel owed.

“Life, I would like to speak to your manager please. I’m Wid-OWED.”

I know that declaration doesn’t change anything but I just have to say it out loud. I am very aware that my life is not all difficulties. There are many others who have similar or other challenging life experiences but, again, it is ok for me to be fed up and say it out loud. These feelings will pass. I will eventually find myself walking through grounds of gratitude again but not this day, not this week. This week I don’t want to see people holding hands happy. This week I don’t want to hear people talk about their family plans. This week I don’t want to know that a couple just got the house of my dreams because they have two incomes. They’ll get to celebrate together with a box of chocolates and I’ll be here alone with this box full of my broken heart…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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