Widow's Voice

February~

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On February 18, Chuck and I would have celebrated 31 years together.

It sucks that he’s dead and we can’t rejoice in being together.

We wouldn’t have anything necessarily planned. Maybe go out to dinner, wherever we happened to be in our travels. It would have most definitely wrapped up with great sex.

Fucking cancer that took him from me.

We loved Valentines Day too. Possibly and probably I loved it even more, but Chuck always went along with it and always got me something. He and I were really good about showing and speaking our Love to one another every day. Valentines Day just gave one more reason to celebrate us and our Love.

So, I can easily brush off Valentines Day and just wish it gone. Except that I really do believe in Love. I believe in the fierce power of Love, and that Love is everywhere, if we only open our eyes. It’s around us in big and small ways and in between ways. I’ve met thousands of people as I’ve traveled the country in my pink car, towing my pink trailer. It isn’t Love like I had with the Love of my life, but it is Love, and I intend to spend the entire month of February celebrating that. I’m going to read about Love, and Love stories, in books and poems. I’m going to talk to people about Love and hear their stories. I’m going to fully immerse myself in the study of Love and how and why it’s the most powerful force in the Universe. And while I’m doing all this I’m going to miss Chuck with my whole being. I’ll allow the tears to fall and I’ll keep reading and talking through the tears. I’m going to show Love to family and friends near and far. I’m going to call my friends and tell them how much they mean to me. I’m dedicating myself fully to Love even more than I do on the regular.

I know that the only reason I’m still walking on this earth is because I believe so deeply in Love, and because I remember well what it felt like to be loved and cherished, and love and cherish in return.
I insist on Love because of the grief of missing Chuck. Showing up with Love is how I honor him and what we had.
Valentines Day…all of February…bring it on.
I miss you, D.
With all that I am or will ever be.
I love you always.
You are my heart~
Alison Miller

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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