Your loss is yours. How you grieve the death of the person you loved is on your terms. Nobody else’s. It is yours. Your timeline. Your tears. Your laughter…because laughter really is somehow tied up into the mixture of grief. There is no other timeline other than your own. There is no measuring tape for […]
Widowed by Illness
Non-Stop Dead
Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash In the weeks and months after Mike died, people often asked me if I dreamt of him. I barely did. He was “in my dreams” – a presence in them – but dead. I remember resenting that I knew all the time, every moment, day or night, even when […]
The Widowed Willow
When I was younger, I used to think that hardship and emotion showed a sign of weakness. That smaller, shorter, thinner-skinned Bryan was just always going to always be “Crying Bryan”. It stung to get bullied and it was tough to see others feel hurt. What I realize now is that those difficulties were toughening […]
The Goodbye Times~
Remember that old song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover? A song that carries a very different meaning from when your Lover leaves you at the end of his/her life. I’m thinking of all the goodbyes I’ve said in my life, and how none of them were easy in any way. Goodbyes aren’t meant to […]
Re-enter, Re-emerge, Re-cover, Re-silient, Re-be, Re-re
Photo by Tolka Ulkan on Unsplash Today is a stay-in-bed-day I am feeling weepy I am feeling bereft I am missing my old life I am missing my dead loves I am missing my alive loves The dog and cat were with me for a while but even they got bored and left It’s all […]
The Tangled Widowed Web
This week hit hard in a way I never expected. My Instagram account was hacked and a social media storm ensued. I started to get notifications from Instagram and friends that something was strange. I was completely locked out with no options to change my password and get stuff back. The hacker started to email […]
This Terrain of Absence~
Life in the after is strange and weird and ill-fitting . What once was no longer is. Our physical world changes as intensely as our emotional world after our person dies. Even if our surroundings are the same, there is a person missing from those surroundings. The chair where our person sat. The table where […]
Sweet Grief
Main photo by Marcus Ganahl on Unsplash I am reading and/or listening to two startlingly wonderful books at the moment. Both make me sob and cry; my throat constricts, my shoulders slump and shake. Reading can be so physical and emotional. The first book (that I am actually reading) is “Dear Life” by Rachel Clarke, […]
Heartbreak Hangover
Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts to subside, I can physically feel the effects – Tired from lack of sleep, disturbed by nightmares, sore […]
An Odyssey of Love~
Once upon a time… A man stole my heart Right out of my chest. It’s ok that he stole it, Because he gave me his in return. He held my heart so carefully with his two hands. This man, dressed in the uniform of the US Air Force, Pledged to Love me, cherish me, honor […]
Alchemising Impermanence
Photo by Simon Berger on Unsplash Sometime around the age of 5, children learn that things and people die. Of course, some very young kids learn this earlier, through the tragedy of a close human death in their immediate entourage – be it the death of a sibling, parent or grandparent. But for the most […]
The Grief Tour
This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been 1,098 days since I could actually touch you, hear you and see you in person. […]