Last week, Mike, Shelby and I packed up and drove south for the Smoky Mountains. We’ve been waiting and saving for this trip all year long. It is by far our favorite place to go unwind and explore the beauty of nature. With buckling down on our finances, we haven’t been able to do really any trips this year, so this one was especially exciting…
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The Forgotten
Seconds filled with thoughts turn to minutes and the minutes to hours. It’s only been 3 months so there isn’t going to be a whole day that I won’t be affected by losing you. In all honesty, I will never go a day without missing you. So why does it feel like everyone else has forgotten you? When you left, I was surrounded by family and…
I (Still) Go To Therapy
When Mike first died, everyone asked me if I was going to therapy. When I said that I was it was somehow a relief to them. “Good for you,” they’d say. I didn’t get it. I was so fresh into it that I mostly just sat there and cried at my sessions. I mean, it was good to cry and talk and hear an outsider’s perspective but it was still very…
Where Are They?
Where are they… The ones we loved in life, love still, in death? Where do they go when they leave our sides? Do they exist in a far away Universe, Unseen and unseeable? Carried only in memory, That shows itself in the wind, In clouds tinged with the colors of a sunrise or sunset? Do they see us as we wish for them? Do they hear our cries of…
La Bella Vita
A year ago, if someone told me that my life would fall into place again I would have hoped what they were telling me was right. The problem is that hope does not provide a sense of contentment because hope can only take you so far. It is just a starting point. There is a big difference between hoping and knowing. Now, finally, inside my…
The White Rabbit
Alarm goes off and it hurts to get out of bed. I was asleep by 10 pm last night and it’s 5am now. That’s 7 hours! 7!! Why am I exhausted? Up I go and into the bathroom. Brush my teeth, get dressed, take meds, get yelled at for food by the cat, walk the dog, pack my lunch, rush to eat breakfast, gym for 1 hour, catch up on texts, emails and…
A Normal Day
Sometimes, I long for a normal day. I no longer have normal days. I no longer have what most people would consider to be a normal day. Today, I woke up, and went to my 2x per week physical therapy appointment for my arthritis and bone spurs in my neck, resulting from hours and weeks and months and years of sitting and typing furiously, this…
3 Year Non-Anniversary
Yesterday, July 25, is the third anniversary of our wedding without him. That’s three more anniversaries than I celebrated with him. We didn’t get to celebrate a single one. I try to imagine what we might be doing on our third anniversary but it’s hard to both predict and recall something that never once happened. Would we be going out for…
In Love With…A Dead Man
He strides through my mind on a daily basis. My heart yearns for the Love I felt so strongly with him. My soul remembers back to the years we shared. My body yearns for his hands upon it. It’s been 5 years and 3 months since he left my world. I’m in love with a dead man. I can almost hear the shrieks of dismay and shock and see people draw back…
Mountain Salve
Today, Megan would have been 37 years old. This is the fourth birthday since her death, and I can confidently say that they have gotten a bit easier. I’m not a ball of snot and tears, or missing her any more than I already do. She’s s imply “in focus” today. There is no other way to describe it but “in focus”. On any given day,…
Living Room
I should have started writing my blog a long time ago, but the day got away from me because I got busy L-I-V-I-N-G . I didn’t do anything particularly noteworthy today. In fact, I spent the better part of the day doing “normal” things; which, in and of itself, is not extraordinary. But, what was exceptional about today was that I actually…
To Forget the Sound of Fear
I woke up to the most horrible dream about a week ago. Only the second worst kind of dream to have behind the dream of reliving my fiance’s death. My new partner, Mike, had been in an accident, and just like before… I got the phone call that changed everything. Just like before, the dizzying sensation of shock slammed into me, and picked me up…