So if you read my last blog, I was pretty stressed last week waiting for blood results and I’m happy to say everything is fine so I guess my stomach issues were really emotionally based. I do want to take a moment to thank everyone who has read my blog and the kind comments. I haven’t commented which has struck me by surprise since I am…
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Weightless
I just returned from my 500 billionth Camp Widow. Okay, I’m exagerating, but not by much. Besides, I lost count long ago on how many times I have been honored to be a presenter at this amazing healing place called Camp Widow. July 13th was the 7-year mark of Don’s death. Camp Widow began on July 13th. Friday the 13th. Nothing incredibly weird…
Easy To Love
There’s this fairly new song called “Ain’t Easy” where the main chorus sings, “loving you ain’t easy” after singing about the difficulty of “loving” and being with someone who is “fire then rain.” Quite simply, even though it’s a catchy tune, it makes me mad. It aggravates me because I thought of myself that way when I…
Get Along, Grief Shamers
Along about the second year, definitely going into the third and then the fourth…I just wanted to scream at people. Not in anger, but in shredded grief and pain… Why can’t you just let me be sad? Why does it feel like I must defend myself against you? Why does it then feel like I have to defend my grief even to myself? Why does it feel like I…
Pixel Memories
Something that Megan and I did every year or two was get family photos taken. While we had thousands of “candid” pictures, taken from our phones or old point-and-shoot devices, we were never posed, and neither of us were exactly professional photographers. We would make the appointment, pack up a few various pieces of clothing, and head to…
Options
I think we all feel “lost” in some way, and sometimes in all ways. But, understand, feeling lost after the person you love dies doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself forever. I know that outliving the person you love isn’t easy. In truth, it’s easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been forced to do. I remember many nights I stood in…
The Challenge of Living At All
Sometimes I wonder, is life harder because I have been widowed or would have been just as hard in different ways if I had never been widowed? It’s a question I think on when I have long talks with friends who aren’t widowed, who are going through their own complex lives… complete with blended, divorced families and step kids or uncertainty in…
Sympathy Pains
I’m sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. About a week ago I started having stomach pain and strong exhaustion. I, uncharacteristically, do not have an appetite and I have lost 10 lbs in less than two weeks. At first I thought it was something I ate. A few days passed and I thought it was probably just a stomach bug. After a week…
Shoutout to the Plants Growing Through Concrete
I heard the quote, “shoutout to the plants growing through concrete” and liked it. I thought of seeing a plant or two pushing its way through to continue growing towards the light. I thought of what I believe the quote intended, that a seemingly small, fragile plant can actually be stronger than what is thought to be powerful, forceful…
Heart and Soul
When your heart and soul are just so tired, 5 years in. Not for any particular reason, really. Everything is pretty much the same as it’s always been. Even when life is routine, my spirit is tired. And, yes, life on the road can be routine. Tired from doing and being and all the stuff that comes from living a life that is so achingly and…
Edited Memories
As Sarah, Shelby and I near the time to depart for our summer vacation, I am reminded of just how different things were, and I am finding some appreciation of the very fact that as a widower, those differences weren’t always convenient. We’re traveling to my favorite place on earth, the Great Smoky Mountains, at the end of July. Megan and I…
Beginnings
It goes without saying that I miss Mike. He was my life companion. My best friend. My lover. My Soul’s mate. He was my person. The one who championed me. He was the man who loved me to the depths of my Soul – from the depth of his own. But, now he is dead. And, I am here missing all that he was. To say that I miss his love is an…