Widow's Voice

The Loudest Sound is Sometimes No Sound at All

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So if you read my last blog, I was pretty stressed last week waiting for blood results and I’m happy to say everything is fine so I guess my stomach issues were really emotionally based. I do want to take a moment to thank everyone who has read my blog and the kind comments. I haven’t commented which has struck me by surprise since I am typically a talker.

Knowing that I had a blog entry to write, I thought about the kind of week I had dealing with Tin’s first birthday. It had been week after week of tough first days and this week was finally quiet. My mind is suddenly quiet. Today I realized, in my efforts to make it through the days, I am running from one task to another. I had told myself that I had to deal with my loss and not avoid it with a full schedule. Funny how you elude your own rules without realizing you are disobeying yourself. The heart wants what it wants.

Back to why I haven’t responded to comments on my blog. I feel like my blog entries communicate what I feel exactly when I write them. Once it’s published, I have to accept my truth. I feel like adding more comments change the raw truth in the post. Almost like commenting would be some strange version of backtracking. I’m sure as I continue to process losing Tin I will find it easier to engage in comments but right now it feels strange. I do love the comments so please continue. This is such a great group!

I’m realizing a new side of myself. Humor, talking and staying busy are not my only coping mechanisms. I can go quiet. I was a bit terrified to be caught in the silence but right now typing this post I actually feel relaxed. I’ve been so worried about stopping in fear of my new lonely normal. Ironically this deafening quiet is accompanied by an unfamiliar sense of calm.

I guess the loudest sound is sometimes no sound of all…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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