Our family received an amazing, unexpected Christmas gift of a very cool new TV. This weekend we went about shifting, rebuilding, figuring out cable connections, and placing the new gadget in the place of our old big screen. Somehow amidst the chaos, the daunting task of moving the old machine out to the garage ended up happening when the…
young widow
Sand
I’m just really tired. I’ve sat and thought of something to write about but it eludes me and my lids become heavier. It’s December, the hardest month of every year since Michael was killed, someone very close to me is ill, I have amazing things going on too, and it piles and piles. I have a damn grain of sand in my shoe of life.I think I just need…
The Pain Vs. ….
If someone had been able to tell me 27 years ago (and I had believed them) that I would experience Hell on Earth, walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, be a single mother of six kids, and ….. know the pain of being a widow at a young age …… would I have still married Jim? Honestly? Probably not. I mean, wouldn’t hearing that…
If You Weren’t Dead
Over the past five years any time that I have done something that I believe Phil would have either actively disliked (getting a tattoo) or probably didn’t appreciate (leaving his ashes in a locked safe for three years) I have used this phrase, “Well then you shouldn’t have died,” to justify my behavior.This phrase when looked at from another angle…
Exhaustion
Exhaustion runs through me so thoroughly that I am sure my body now uses it in place of 30% of my blood.I can’t think. Eating feels too strenuous unless I can rip open a bag. And then if I do, what I eat is so tasteless that I end up spitting it out into the garbage. Why bother making the effort to chew that crap. I look haggard, drawn, tight.
It Took
It took 3 years to do it. 3 years to put up the Christmas tree. The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy. I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.After he died, the season and everything it meant died…
Comfortable
It happened. I’d become comfortable. I’d accepted the fact that I must survive…thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse. Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News…
I Seem to Be Falling Apart ….
… but this time …. I’m falling apart physically more than emotionally. At least for now. I’m not sure which is worse. I’m just hoping that, this time, I can cope with a physical problem without having the waves of grief crash in on me.I’ve had to deal with a lot of crap since Jim died …. crap that my body has experienced because of, in my…
Vive la Vida
There was a time when the idea of “living my life” was an oxymoron. How could I take the advice to live my life when a huge section had been torn out and I was staring in disbelief at the gaping hole left behind? Why make life plans when they can be swept away permanently by a suburban going 50 MPH one summer evening at 5 o’clock? If life is…
You Too
Today is just one of those days where I wanted to talk about how grateful I am for my fellow widows. The women that pull me out of a funk, the women that give me hope, the women that know the unspoken words in my heart, the women that know the depth and never-ending length of my love.I’ve tried to make sure and not imagine the “what-ifs” in life,…
A Dead Husband vs. ….
…. a nice bank account. That’s the issue today. I originally published the majority of this post (with a different title) on my personal blog on October 27th. But it seemed to hit home with so many widowed people that I thought I’d write it again (and add to it) here. “You treat yourself nice.” …….. someone said to me yesterday, while…
Wild Crazy
L, my 13 yr old is taking French. The Spanish classes met at the same time as the Jazz Ensemble and Chamber Orchestra. He plays the cello. And he says “Mom, what would really help me is if we went to France.”And I say, “Ok, wanna go this summer?” This is not a bluff. I have spent the past three weeks deciding where we will live (Chamonix…