What do you see when you look at this picture? I see love, fun, teamwork, happiness. A couple of years ago this picture, as happy as it is, would have made me sad. I would have seen sadness, loss, something missing. Unexpectedly, I am finally able to see what is there instead of always focusing on what or who is not. It’s huge. It also happened…
young widow
Shine A Light
I must admit…I love films. Foreign especially, but anything thought and emotionally provoking will do. What can I say? Michael and I first kissed while watching “American Beauty”, it’s just the kind of couple we are.Tonight I found myself watching “Anna and the King”, a remake of “The King and I”, which I thoroughly enjoyed with the widowhood…
I Just Need to Tell You Something
Hi honey, You are probably wondering why I am writing this letter. Usually I save the letter writing for the anniversary of the day you died, sort of a look back on the year gone by, but today I ran into D at the grocery store and realized that there are still some stories that only you would understand. Since the celestial phone appears to be out…
Charlie
I’ll never forget the night I got the news…. Charlie had cancer.The dog that has been my best friend through life’s most painful tribulations. The dog that greeted me at our patio every day back from college. The dog that has never run out of love to give with his kisses and a simple tail wag. The dog that is the son to Michael and I. The dog…
Special Cargo – Handle with Care
Like it was yesterday, I remember the night Daniel died and the drive home from the hospital. The drive home to G, who was innocently sleeping, still unaware that life as he knew it had radically altered. I remember talking myself through telling him what had happened. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach and so anxious. I knew that the next…
On A Four Star Floor
I’m sitting on the floor of a four star hotel (paid for with Amex points) I’m crying and I can’t seem to stop.This is not how I wanted this break to go. I wanted it to be about rejuvenation and rest and self-love. Instead it feels, right now, like it’s about not-enoughness and loss and fucking grief. It feels like it’s about transition and…
I Smile
I must say, with each passing year it’s as if another layer of sludge is washed away from my life….The life that began the day Michael was killed. I life I used to loathe to the core of my being. But for once, I’ve been watching, I’ve been learning. I’ve been trying to understand that which I don’t, and yet, with no answers I smile with the…
Here We Go
It’s here. My fourth year of not being able to refer to my love alive. But as somber as it sounds, it’s also my fourth year of being living proof of just what the power and strength of love can get you through.I’ve never set resolutions and hopes for each year, other than just trying to find more good days than bad in the months ahead….even if…
touchdown
Originally posted on my personal blog Tuesday, December 30, 2008 (after nine months of widowhood). It’s here again. The brief agonizingly sharp pain of awakening. Like from a coma. Or a nightmare and realizing that it is reality. I walk around as an automaton. I feed the kids. I wash my face. I buy chicken feed. I seem to be moving. I seem to be…
My Struggle with Acceptance
Since Phil’s death, grief has caused a long struggle between the desire to overcome and the need to accept the realities that widowhood has brought into my life. The concept of acceptance when applied to Phil’s death has always felt like giving up to me. So, I stubbornly planned around any roadblock that would slow what I thought was forward…
Stocking Full of Memories
****This is a re-post from last year, but still one of my favorite moments in seeing the spark reignite in my family, as if the light had been turned on and they looked past his death and forward into his life. I’ll update next week on what gift they made/got for him! Merry Christmas**** Last Christmas my family started incorporating Michael back…
Loveinity
This Thursday will mark our 5 year wedding anniversary. As I’ve stated through the years, this day has always been more difficult for me than any other…including the day he was killed. You see, I don’t define Michael’s life and our life together by the day he was killed, I’ve always defined it by our eternal love, and no day signifies that more…