So you are having a great day. Your future is brightening. The birthday of your passed person is on the horizon so you book two trips to help you through the day and allow yourself to get away and enjoy life. You don’t want to be alone and think of the 43 candles he won’t be blowing out with you this year. You don’t have to stress about…
widowed sadness
Catastrophic Compensation
I’ve tried to write more about the good things in life recently but every week brings a new strange situation that results in processing new thoughts and difficult emotions. What does one think when they are given inheritance? So many people are gifted property and money as their older family and friends pass away. It’s understood that each new…
Blurred Lines
Grief is hard. There is no denying that. There are things that are so obviously associated with grieving that I know will be difficult: anniversaries, birthdays, things that remind me of Mike and the list can go on. When those moments happen (or are soon going to happen) and I feel upset or angry or sad I can clearly attribute it to grief. It…
Our Wedding Song Playing
Our wedding song playing. Someone else playing our wedding song as part of their shared memory of a completely different circumstance. My boyfriend’s family’s memory of our wedding song as part of their memory of his parents’ 30 year wedding anniversary. Sitting in my boyfriend’s parents’ living room with his whole family watching his…
The Never Ending Story
Is loneliness the never-ending story of widowhood? Does it end if we find another chance at Love? Does the loneliness exist, even then Because the loneliness is specific to that person, your person, who died? Is there ever a moment again When a widow’s heart feels that lightness of being, Once felt? Or is the heaviness, the ache, the sadness of…
It’s Not Guilt, It’s Sadness
So it’s been 7 years since my beautiful husband left for work one morning, and never came home. Seven years since his shocking and sudden death. Seven years of living this life in the “after” of painful and life-changing loss. It’s a long time, and it isn’t. It’s forever, and it’s also ten seconds. In all of this time living with the death of my…
Where Are They?
Where are they… The ones we loved in life, love still, in death? Where do they go when they leave our sides? Do they exist in a far away Universe, Unseen and unseeable? Carried only in memory, That shows itself in the wind, In clouds tinged with the colors of a sunrise or sunset? Do they see us as we wish for them? Do they hear our cries of…
3 Year Non-Anniversary
Yesterday, July 25, is the third anniversary of our wedding without him. That’s three more anniversaries than I celebrated with him. We didn’t get to celebrate a single one. I try to imagine what we might be doing on our third anniversary but it’s hard to both predict and recall something that never once happened. Would we be going out for…
History Repeats Itself All Too Often Too Soon
Since losing Tin, I look to each new week as a new horizon that will bring brighter days. This is my fourth post and I thought, maybe by now, my blog would have small sparks of settlement in the chaos. I guess it is good to hope but bad to assume. A very fine line that I often fail to recognize these days. I’ll keep the faith that those brighter…
The Wax and the Wayne
Another week past and overall things have been even keel. However the dreaded dates pile one on top of another. July 15th is Tin’s first birthday. July 4th is Tin’s and my anniversary and today, June 29th, 2018 is the first anniversary of my father Wayne’s passing. I know this writing is not based mainly on my lost partner Tin but it has a…
Envious
I once heard a phrase that if all the world’s problems were in a bag you would be trying to pick back your own. At the time I thought well of course, my problems are miniscule. Now I think that clearly wasn’t written by a young widow. I know there are still worse problems than mine; people who deal with major issues on top of being widowed and…
The Hammer
This morning, my cousin posted an image on Facebook of a hilarious guitar magazine parody called “Mediocre Guitar.” My husband Don loved music, especially guitars. He owned 7 or 8 of them at all times, and was always hanging out online at guitar websites and message boards, and giving free lessons to his fellow online guitar-enthusiast friends, on…