I’m really broke.

Again.

I’m really tired of being broke.

I’m really tired of talking about being broke.

I’m really tired of typing and writing about being broke.

Even when my husband Don was alive, we struggled financially. Everyday. But he worked and I worked, and we helped each other out. He started helping me out way before he moved in with me. He used to send me checks from Florida to New Jersey, telling me that he knew how much of a struggle it was for me out there and he wanted to help me pay my bills. He saved up enough money to move in with me, when he finally did make that move, so that he could get through a few months without a job, in case it took him that long to find work in EMS where I lived. He found work quickly. He made okay money, better than what I made, but his money stretched way further down in Florida. NYC life ate up his money fast. So we were broke. Often. But he always made sure we had enough to go out on a nice date, take me to dinner, see a movie, cover the basics. I felt taken care of, even though we didn’t have a lot.

Since his death, all I have done is struggle financially. I have made countless moves in my life over the past 8 years so that I can struggle LESS or hopefully not at all one day, financially. I moved out of our apartment, got a roommate. Then another one. Finally, after 5 years barely making it on my own, I moved out of NY altogether, leaving behind the life I knew and the dreams we had and the dreams I had. I moved to my home state of Massachusetts, moved in with my parents, which was supposed to be temporary. Here I am, still, over 2 years later, still broke.

Recently got into Real Estate, and while I am confident I’ll eventually have some clients and make some money, right now it feels very defeating. I have put money into it, its made me more broke, and I’m running out of places and ways to shift around my credit cards to cover things. The bottom line is, I’m just so damn tired of not having enough money. I wish I could help my parents as they age. I wish they didn’t have to still work in their mid-70s. I wish I could help my brother as he goes down the path of a newly divorced dad. I wish I knew what it was like to have a savings. I wish I wasn’t in a panic about losing my state health insurance if I ever DO make money, because I will no longer qualify for it. I wish I knew what Its like to NOT live paycheck to paycheck. To NOT have to choose between survival, and being able to live your dreams and DO the things you are truly passionate about. I wish I could do more acting and comedy and speaking engagements. I wish those things paid a living wage. I wish I wasn’t jealous of other people my age who can take trips when they want, do things they want to do, and not be constantly stressed by money worries.

I know there are worse issues. I also know that I am very lucky to have the family and friends and support system I have in place. I’m just so tired of sacrificing and finding ways to get by, since my husband’s death. Eight years of struggling. I keep thinking maybe Ill finally get a break, and then the break never comes. I may just be one of those people who has to work her ass off just to get to the tiniest next step. All I want is for things to be easier. For life to be easier. I want to sit by the ocean more and watch the waves. I want to do more book-signing events, or acting roles when I feel like it. I want to have the luxury to do more things I love doing, things that help people. Instead, I feel like I’m always spinning my wheels, and like I never get ahead.

I’m tired of money being a thing.