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Return to Sender

Posted on: June 15, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

So you are having a great day. Your future is brightening. The birthday of your passed person is on the horizon so you book two trips to help you through the day and allow yourself to get away and enjoy life.

You don’t want to be alone and think of the 43 candles he won’t be blowing out with you this year. You don’t have to stress about finding the right birthday present but you also don’t get to see his face when his eyes light up as he pulls away the wrapping paper.  You want to acknowledge the deep emptiness of the day but you know he would want you to go out and celebrate. He will be there with you. You may not see him but you will feel his presence and know he is there celebrating with you. Your excitement builds with something to look forward too. Finally you have the big boat before the storm hits. You’ve begun to prepare.

A text message comes through while you’re thinking of the fun adventures to come and you open that little message which shatters the hull of your vessel. The family has finally decided to have a service for him on his birthday in less than a month with no warning and they hope you can be there. Your heart sinks and you are suddenly drowning. Rogue wave!

You explain that you already planned two trips and you can’t back out of them. You planned trips to help your grief because they didn’t tell you their plans to have a service for your person. YOUR PERSON! Not their person! Your person! They say they will talk about it and see if there is another day. Graciously you understand if his mother is set on that day but his ashes are with you. You can’t drive him up to his family before this all happens. If they move forward with his birthday for his burial than the last time you’ll hold him will be when you drop him off at the funeral home to be wrapped in padding, boxed up with labels and shipped.

Deep in your heart you wished that the labels read “Return to Sender” and in a week there would be a special delivery – He would magically walk through your front door…

Categories: Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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