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Hard Day

Posted on: August 15, 2019 | Posted by: Mari Posa

Today was a hard day. It was filled with anger, sadness, desperation, and tears. I am angry at the fact that my husband is no longer here. I am mad that my daughter doesn’t get to grow up with her father, and that my husband doesn’t get to experience his daughter grow up. I am mad and disappointed at everything and everyone that was involved with this accident. I have the right to be angry. I wake up next to an empty space, instead of my husband’s embrace. I see my daughter give nosy kisses and try to feed chips to a picture of her father because he is not in the flesh. As a woman, my heart is broken. And as a mother, my broken heart aches with agony as I feel for my daughter. I feel a sense of desperation that I can’t bring my husband back and give her his arms, his love, his kisses, his all. It’s such a debilitating feeling. A debilitating feeling that those who lose the love of their life genuinely know. 

Tears roll down my face, as I lay on my kitchen floor, crying my soul out, with no one there to console me. The person that used to pick me up is no longer here. As I cry, the pain gets more intense. It’s an intensity of a broken heart, a damaged soul with broken dreams. It’s good to cry and release that pain. Someone once told me that grief is love that you can’t give. I find that to be true. As I pick myself up from the kitchen floor, I notice my daughter woke up from her nap. As I stand outside her bedroom door, I wipe my tears and collect myself. All she sees is her mother smiling and singing at her, as I enter the room. Not knowing that I feel like I’m bleeding internally with loneliness and darkness. And that today was a hard day. 

Categories: Widowed Parenting, Widowed Emotions

About Mari Posa

I am a blessed woman with many shadows of darkness. I have met the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I have experienced motherhood and have triumphed in my career. I have built everlasting bonds, with people I love and respect. I consider myself blessed. With all those blessings, there are also shadows of darkness. I watched my father die as he held my hand and took his last breath. I lost many hopes and dreams as I buried the love of my life at the age of 31, just four months after burying my father. I left a stable and secure career for something much more significant, but then lost it all. I have seen immense beauty and extreme darkness in this life. I am a woman whose world was shattered into a million pieces, in what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Through love, learning, and therapy, I continue to move forward in this life with grief right beside me. I continue to honor those who have left this earth with pieces of my heart. I take one day at a time.

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