One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on this journey of widowhood is that grief is not logical. It makes no sense. It’s arrogant and naive to believe that we think we know how we would react in any stressful or painful situation. Segments of our lives, portions of our morals and many of our ideals become frayed and scattered. When we begin to…
widowed perspective
that drive and the ones that followed…
i’m not intuitive or any of that shit, but when he suddenly stopped talking, i let the silence settle through the car.it would have been obvious to anyone (but not everyone) that something was up. it was on the second trip when he turned the volume down on the western music he had gotten for people like me (not knowing that i wanted nothing more…
Should I Be Happy ….
….. to know that Jim is in Heaven? Yes, someone asked me this …… 10 days after Jim’s sudden death. Interesting question. Should I/we be happy that Jim is in heaven? Well, of course if I were a “good” Christian then I’d have to give you the pat, “good” answer: ‘Of course I’m glad that he’s up there, with God, praising and singing (though he…
Better…
Portions of the following post are from about a year and a half ago…at the time I really thought I was better, and all things considered I was. About three years ago I started joking with Michele that I wanted to wear a black t-shirt with word “bitter” printed on it to identify myself as a bitter widow. She refused to let me, more out of fear…
The Gay Widower
In the days following the death of Michael I began to realize that in addition to losing my husband, I was losing part of my identity. I was having a conversation with someone about Michael when I began stumbling over my words. I hadn’t quite thought out how I would describe him. Up until a few days prior, he was my husband, my spouse, my partner.
Overwhelmed
It happens. A song plays. A breeze brushes past my face. A scene from a movie crosses the screen. I stand in the kitchen for no certain reason. A sunset paints itself across the horizon. Our dog sticks his head out the window. I lay silently in bed.These diminutive things take place, and from head to toe I am overwhelmed with how much I am in love…
Eat, Pray ……
….. and Love. No, not the book. But just those three small words. I was looking at my copy of the book this morning, wondering what I was going to post about for WV. And then I started thinking about those 3 words. And about how small they are, but also about how much power and emotion has been packed into each of them since Jim died.First …..
Escape
I’d like to get on the boat above and sail off into the sunset to a place where I am responsible for nothing and no one needs me. Ever. For anything. Sometimes the pressure of being the “only parent” feels so intense I can hardly bear it. All decisions are made by me, all responsibility is born by me. I have no partner to lean on when I’ve had too…
The August Flu
Even though I have now lived through the month of August five times since Phil’s death, I once again failed to notice the signs of the anniversary flu as August 31st approached this year. Maybe you recognize some of the symptoms?physically achy impatient slightly glum, but with no real cause low grade sense of impending doom decreased level of…
Ours to Mine
Our wedding rings are no more. His was so huge. My 6’6″ husband had fingers that matched his size.When he died, I removed his ring and put it into the ring box that I kept my diamond in. I don’t remember when I took off my wedding bands. Long enough so that wearing a ring on my “wedding” finger feels odd. I needed something that would represent us,…
stuffing
I’ve been stuffing. I don’t mean putting bread and spices into a turkey’s nether regions. I mean my emotions. It’s been too painful to deal with this loss. I avoid Jeff’s photos. I redirect my thoughts. I do things that seem to take the pain away for a moment. When I talk of the loss of Jeff, I refuse to feel the sadness. I push it down. I turn…
THE Valley ….
…. you know the one. I think that most people, even those who are “non-religious”, are familiar with its name. It’s the big-daddy of them all. The Valley of the Shadow of Death. It’s mentioned in the Bible and has been referenced in countless books, movies, TV shows, etc.It’s been on my mind a lot lately. You see, I never really knew what it was…