Exhaustion runs through me so thoroughly that I am sure my body now uses it in place of 30% of my blood.I can’t think. Eating feels too strenuous unless I can rip open a bag. And then if I do, what I eat is so tasteless that I end up spitting it out into the garbage. Why bother making the effort to chew that crap. I look haggard, drawn, tight.
widowed perspective
not all bad
When we think of being widowed, we most often think of the sadness, the loss and the loneliness created in the wake of our loss. We reflect on what once was. We imagine and recreate what could have been ‘if only’. We long to be transported back in time to when life seemed sweeter and kinder. Rarely do we think of the blessings we have gained. The…
whose memories?
are the memories i have mine, or do they belong to someone else? i think about that a lot.like yesterday i was driving through hollywood and i saw an apartment building that we considered moving into. i could remember the interior, and i could remember the balcony, and the sound of traffic, and the smell of new paint and new carpet, and several…
Vive la Vida
There was a time when the idea of “living my life” was an oxymoron. How could I take the advice to live my life when a huge section had been torn out and I was staring in disbelief at the gaping hole left behind? Why make life plans when they can be swept away permanently by a suburban going 50 MPH one summer evening at 5 o’clock? If life is…
A Dead Husband vs. ….
…. a nice bank account. That’s the issue today. I originally published the majority of this post (with a different title) on my personal blog on October 27th. But it seemed to hit home with so many widowed people that I thought I’d write it again (and add to it) here. “You treat yourself nice.” …….. someone said to me yesterday, while…
Wild Crazy
L, my 13 yr old is taking French. The Spanish classes met at the same time as the Jazz Ensemble and Chamber Orchestra. He plays the cello. And he says “Mom, what would really help me is if we went to France.”And I say, “Ok, wanna go this summer?” This is not a bluff. I have spent the past three weeks deciding where we will live (Chamonix…
Search
“What do I do now?” “Where do I go?” “How do I live?” These are just a few of the many questions so many of us ask after the loss of our counterpart…our soul mate.These questions helped fill my overactive brain from focusing on the reality that I needed to stop living in a nightmare and do it…venture into the wild and find the answers for…
A long distance dedication
Tomorrow is 5 years. Impossible to comprehend, but true nonetheless. Today’s blog will be a long distance dedication from Daniel to his friends and family. I think if he’d been given the choice (or if I’d had more time to think of it myself), he’d have had this played at his funeral. Jimmy Buffett – Lovely Cruise Drink it up, this one’s for…
Wise Ass Widow
My Halloween Costume Guess what I am. Art was in my head all day saying, “Babe, don’t say anything. Let them figure it out.” But that is not me. So here’s a hint. I am a certain kind of spider! I am a certain kind of widow!…
Guide
I’ve always taken my own path. I like the fresh, uncharted dirt beneath my feet, the barren terrain of land not crossed by others. Yes, as Michael would say, I lived in the clouds, a world of my own, but he never tried to change that, and in all honesty, I think it’s one of the things he loved so much about me. It’s the Christopher Columbus in me,…
thank you….mostly
I met a recently widowed woman in the doctor’s office the other day. We talked sadly yet conspiratorially. I nodded as she mentioned having trouble trusting herself in public as she was concerned she would either throw up her hands and scream at all the ridiculous and vacuous frivolity that seems to go on in the world unnoticed by ‘normal’ folk or…
gone.
it’s gone. but how could it be? i was just there a month ago… it had been there since before my memories of this city were actual experiences. close to 9 years.we used to go there when we lived in the neighborhood. almost every saturday or sunday, we’d sit under the awning, on the sidewalk listening to the cars drive by, watching the hipsters…