I’m fresh back from a wonderful week of vacation (thanks Chris for guest blogging last week – great post!!). I went on a cruise and visited three tropical islands. By odd coincidence, the stop in St. Thomas fell on Daniel’s 41st birthday. This coincidence is only odd because St. Thomas was one of his favorite places, and I’d never been there. We’d…
widow
Sex, Sensuality and Sadness
Sex. I’ve been thinking about it lately. And I really miss it. I miss the animal-ness of having another sweaty body pressed down against mine, the sounds, the smell. I miss being openly desired, I miss teasing, I miss all the foreplay that comes before. I miss being sexy. I miss being a sensual woman. And I find myself unsure if I even know how…
give me a reason
In any tragedy, early loss or hard lesson, we look for a reason behind it. The “why”. Over the last three years I have searched for the explanation, or rationale, for Jeff’s death and all the aftermath of his loss. Not the reason written on his autopsy certificate or the coroner’s report. Something deeper. Something less concrete but still as…
Purging ….
…. is rather a “loaded” word, is it not? Those of you who follow my blog or me on Facebook know that I have spent a lot of time over the last few weeks purging and organizing my home …. and my attic. I find that I get the urge to purge about 2 or 3 times a year, and when that urge hits …. I just go with it. Quickly. And I work like a…
Ugly and Forgiveness
This is post from March 26, 2010 I’ve been going back to find myself, to ground this experience, to find a way to mark the growth, the good changes and all the challenges I have overcome. I’m been going back to find courage. This is what the post said. ——-“He’s in our thoughts and prayers.” “We are sending a blanket of love.” Those…
rerecord
Sometimes this whole ‘widow’ thing gets old. Like the chorus of an unhappy song that gets stuck in your head and keeps you awake. Over and over the words repeat singing those same lines again and again. You try to not pay attention. Try to forget the words. Try to listen to a new song. But your little brain has it so deeply embedded it can’t be…
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water …..
… another wave comes and smacks you from behind ….. I love the ocean. Always have. Jim did, too. We were a “beach family”. Loved taking vacations to a beach …. any beach. Even the one in Galveston ….. where the word “beach” has a whole different definition. But hey, when it’s the only beach you have within an hour’s drive or so,…
This must be the place
Grayson and I had a talk this week about where home is. It was in the context of a homeless man we saw at an intersection, and Grayson was saying that he wondered where the man’s home was. We talked about our own home, and what a “home” really means to you. I told him my home is where I find the most comfort and feel the most loved and that I feel…
The New Road
some where on the I-5 in CA heading south 862 miles 14 hours in the car in two days. Less actually, because we left at 1:00 pm on Friday and got back tonight (Saturday) at 7:00 pm. It started with a casual comment.”Hey, you guys wanna go to Sacramento to the State Championship Basketball games for the boys and the girls varsity teams?” I asked my…
A Real Kiss
I remember the moment like the sound of his heart. We sat facing the glass window panes in between gate 15 and 17. The looming knowledge that in a few passing moments a stranger would come over the intercom to separate us once again led us to focus on anything, but the reality awaiting him and I. The distraction was SkyChef loading food onto a…
3 years
This morning will mark three years since I’ve held your warm hand. Heard your snores. Felt safe knowing I was yours. My life doesn’t stop today as it did three years ago….although I partially wish it would. There are appointments to be attended, childcare to sort out and errands to run.I’d like to lay in my bed and think of only you. To keen…
That Other Shoe
Pictures of me in my current state of happiness make me nervous. I look at this photo with a sense of wonder at the fact that my smile looks genuine. The empty look that has shadowed my features for years appears to have faded. I am tempted to compare this photo to one of my “before” photos to see if I can tell the difference between these versions…