Resurrection is the theme of the day for Christians everywhere. But whether this day is a religious celebration for you, or a bunny hop, or just another Sunday…those of us who grieve have a unique knowledge of the experience of death and resurrection. Because when our loved one died, we did too. The person who did not know what living in a…
hope for widows
The Wall
“But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I’d ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.” – Sarah Dessen This quote embodies the day I was notified and the…
My Death Wish
Filling in for Jackie today with a post I wrote almost four years ago. Even today, I can clearly remember the feeling of wanting to be dead. It would have been terrifying if I were capable of feeling anything besides empty, but in that moment all I wanted was to be with Phil. Of all the words I have written over the past 5.8 months the ones I share…
A Kind of Retirement
I love the idea that there is a time, and a season, for all things, but change has always been hard for me. I like sameness, actually I used to thrive in the familiar. But the transformation that has happened in my life since Phil’s death has taught me to accept my uneasiness regarding change as par for my particular course knowing that some of…
The Value of a Friend (Part Five thousand and two…)
I recently attended the Soaring Spirits annual board retreat. Each year the board members get together in the same place to brainstorm ideas for the foundation, establish our annual goals, reestablish our focus for the year and just “be together”. Our board meets regularly, once a month, but our meetings are held via Skype because four of us…
I Will …
The “Tired” post now has 35 comments. The last time I got almost that many comments was on April 13, 2009. Three days before Art died. This post read… —– They told me to bring the kids in. They told me to bring the kids in. It’s over and I, I, I just …. I feel nothing.The hardest part about this… No wait, the right now hardest part…
I dream of him
I dreamed of him last night. My dreams aren’t too off from the real world. In them I know he is dead. And yet, in this Inception like reality, I still think maybe there is some way his world and mine can merge, if only for a couple of hours in my sleep. In the dream, there was one moment that stood out more than any other.I was walking beside my…
Honest to a Fault ….
…. is what I can sometimes be …. I think. Some people do not enjoy my honesty on my personal blog. I’ve learned to hold back on some things ….. things that will have an effect on those I love. Although sometimes holding back puts me in a very, very lonely place.I wish that I could just pour out every single feeling that comes my way when…
The Death March
I dread deathiversaries, with my whole soul, as my daughter would say. This dread is instinctual, and has nothing to do with how happy I am in my current life. The creeping feeling of impending doom sneaks up on me at the same time every year, and at odd times when I am distracted by nostalgia or lost in a happy memory. Sometimes the feeling of…
I’m Fighting
Michael and I fought….or as I called it….debated, over who took the trash out or burned whose clothes ironing. The minute…the small things. But out of those small things, simple and silly things, I found the most important thing to fight for… And that is our love.After losing Michael, I did not fathom the amount of adversity that comes…
Woman’s Intuition
Here in the North East, most public schools began their fall sessions this week. My sister, a first grade teacher, told me in an email that never in her life had she heard so much crying, five and six year olds being asked to leave their parents, many for the first time. According to my sister, “The sound of sobbing was everywhere.” I thought…
When Memories Fail Me
I remember crying silent but painful tears in the back seat of someone’s car… we were running an errand for the memorial service and barely above a whisper, I asked, “What if I forget…” they too began to weep with me. Finally, they cleared their throat to answer, “You’ll always have your memories.” I find that statement less than accurate.