The past seven days has been sort of a blur. Up for work, rush around, home, dogs, dinner, some tv and then bed. You know, the usual. As I sit here and type I was struggling with what to write. What feelings of loss and grief sewed themselves in the tapestry of my week? I […]
Widowed
Camp Widow – For The Very First Time
What is Camp Widow anyway? Camp Widow is an event started by our first-born daughter in response to her beloved husband, Phillip, being taken away by death much too soon. Camp Widow is a generous effort by one widow to honor and acknowledge the pain of all widows and widowers by offering them a place […]
Lots of tears this week
Image by Vladimir Kramer on Unsplash I have cried a lot this week. Sometimes it’s just like that. Some weeks I cry more than other weeks. It might be hormonal. Let’s face it, I am 54, and apart from feeling “a little warm” most mornings as I sit in bed with my frothy coffee, I […]
Here
Today, I am present in my life again. Once again, I am LIVING. Wow. Huh. I can’t believe that I got “here” – wherever this place is… When I first started writing my blogs I didn’t know if this day would ever come – and, finally, it has. I am actually living in the […]
The Little Boy and the Box of Crayons
As I keep walking forward along this widowed path, I’m coming across familiar terrain that I thought I left far behind in my life. No one really tells you that when you become widowed you revisit all of your old worries so I’m going to say it now for those who follow me in grief […]
Courage, Trust and Hope
Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming in the “fjords”, lakes, rivers and sea in and around Montenegro with SwimTrek. But Montenegro recently made it on to the UK’s Red […]
Average Widow – Revisited
Nearly five years later, I *still* identify myself as a widow because that is what I am. I will always be Mike’s widow. It is what it is. But, I am so much more than this. And, really, I have always known that who I am is more than a dead man’s fiance, but the weight of grief prevented me from embracing myself and who I am without him for a long, long time. Now, finally, I can say with authority and certainty that I am more me than widow – if that makes sense. I am Staci. I continue to be only “average” at widowing, but like before, I don’t care. I was never planning on excelling at this gig anyhow because I am too busy rebuilding my life to bother becoming proficient at widowhood.
In-Flight Fear
I’m afraid of heights. I have been completely frozen on the top of a ladder. I stand back from windows in a tall building and the idea of skydiving is sheer terror to me. Strangely enough, I love roller coasters and I don’t mind flying. I think the security in being seated helps combat the […]
Confessions
Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left. The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after I type it. Confession seems warranted since I sometimes cannot remember if I’ve showered— and apparently I made a tribute tile for you but I […]
Community and Accountability
Main image by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash When I took up swimming again for the first time, when I was about 23, it was after an approximatively 10-year hiatus. Until the age of 13, swimming (in a pool) was one of the three main sports I did, along with ice-skating and orienteering. I enjoyed all […]
Almost “Normal”
Most definitely, there was a time and place for curating thoughts of him like sacred memories I would press against my heart and attempt to memorize by feel. In the past, I spent hours tenderly thinking about Mike and reliving our life together in my mind. It was a necessary part of my grief; and, likewise, it is necessary that I have stopped this now.
Grief in the Grass
Six years ago, Clayton and I took a trip to visit his mother. We were still in Atlanta and she was living along the coast of southern Florida. We had left the city cement behind for a walk along the waves. What I hadn’t realized was the subtle but profound stop we took along the […]