https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l44_n60QQ8 I’ll be seeing you just yesterday you reminded me of your presence when a monarch butterfly came so close to me…flew into the garage and looked around….at the story, when the paint brushes I need showed up in the most unlikely place . . . I am seeing you . . . In all […]
Widowed
Delegating, Abdicating, Collaborating, Co-Creating?
Photo of Julia’s Stones my own My next ten days are packed (packed for me, anyway). Quite a bit of work in the coming days. A dinner out with new-to-me-friends of Medjool’s. Some travel to England and then on to Scotland. (My first trip to the UK since before the world shut down in […]
The Return of the King
Sometimes I want to look back a couple of years and reflect on where I was to help me see just how much I’ve grown. Day to day can sometimes feel like there’s no forward momentum but looking back over months and years shows me I’ve traveled many miles. I had my crown stripped and […]
Tattoos.
I remember sitting around my kitchen table in the days that followed Boris’s death and talking to my close circle about getting a tattoo in his memory. We chose a semicolon for suicide awareness. I think 12 or so of us got the tattoo for him. Before Boris died, I had never gotten a tattoo. […]
Year Two: Taking Stock
DEFINITION OF “TAKING STOCK” : to carefully think about something in order to make a decision about what to do next 1) We need to take stock of our life now and again. 2) She took stock of her life as she passed the 2-year mark of widowhood. KN Definition & Meaning with Merriam-Webster Today […]
Three Years of Pleasure and Pain
Main image by Zygimantas Dukauskas on Unsplash Yesterday, 11th June, is the day that Medjool has named “La Journée du ‘Oui’” (“’Yes’ day”). It is the day when, three years ago, in 2019, he chose me. I had already chosen him. Not chosen by default, simply because my sample size of prospective Medjools was One, […]
Midnight Storms
For the most part I’m not angry at Tony for dying by suicide and I just do it all without too much complaint. However, one-night last week had me on edge and anxious about our lives without him. At 1:30am, I am jolted awake by a train noise and the tornado sirens going off. There […]
The Weight of the Wait
There’s a heaviness of my grief that I haven’t talked much about and that grows closer to the end of watching someone die. You know it’s coming. You know it’s soon. For a long time you pray you get to keep them for as much time as possible but near the end my mind changed. […]
Standing at the Doorstep
Of Liminal Space In that liminal space, between what we know and what we can’t imagine, we are remade. –ludwig.guru Standing in front of a closed door reminds me of mystery. What is behind the door? Who might be on the other side of the door? What does the door open into….a large open room? […]
What You Should Know – revisited
Main image by Aron Visuals on Unsplash Italicised Section from Megan Devine: I was talking the other day about the realities of the second and third years of grief. We have this erroneous (and stupid) cultural idea that grief will be over, or at least appreciably better, by the end of the first year. Eighteen […]
No Straight Lines Here
Four hundred and eight days after Tony died, we finally mowed the lawn ourselves. With Memorial Day last weekend, we were out of town as were my neighbors who’ve been mowing our grass for us. Last summer, I didn’t even pretend like I wanted us to take that task on. I didn’t pull the mower […]
The Potential of the Infinite Empty
Each of us has a unique journey. Sometimes it can feel infinitely hard, sometimes infinitely lonely but I have found that the infinite space isn’t showing us how empty our lives are, it’s showing us we have the gift to fill our universe indefinitely. I came to this understanding through a lot of self-reflection and […]