Each of us has a unique journey. Sometimes it can feel infinitely hard, sometimes infinitely lonely but I have found that the infinite space isn’t showing us how empty our lives are, it’s showing us we have the gift to fill our universe indefinitely.
I came to this understanding through a lot of self-reflection and understanding. I lost my father, lost Clayton and then the world shut down keeping me away from everyone. Widowed through a pandemic is a whole new level of delayed grief. We are finally having a funeral for Clayton this year. I kept asking why everything had to be so drawn out. Life was very empty – or so I thought.
For the past 9 months I have been in a new and amazing relationship with a man that fills my heart. I’m often asked how I could even think to find someone new and others have told me I should stop talking about my widowed grief and just move on. Those statements used to upset me. What I have begun to realize is these opinions are not meant to hurt me but to inspire me to shed more light on the world we walk through. My unique loss of my father, my partner and a pandemic pausing the timeline of healing created a unique space where I was forced to move forward in a strange way. Not having the closure of a funeral for Clayton yet falling in love with Devin was a necessary lesson to show me I had the ability to fill the empty. I didn’t have to lose my love for Clayton or redirect it towards Devin – That love belongs to Clayton, Devin deserves his own and I have the ability to generate it all. The growth taught me that you don’t just have a limited amount of love to shift around. I learned that there was indefinite space for me to keep the existing love and then create more, as much as I want, because there is always more space.
Grief is just love lost. I don’t mean in regards to those who have died, I mean your love for them still exists and it’s lost as to where to go. Grief is focused on the loss of the physical being. I just keep reminding Grief that the love for who I lost in person still has a home with their spirit and then the Grief settles.
That feeling of empty isn’t meant as punishment, it’s the Universe’s way of showing you the potential possibility of all the love you can place and that it’s infinite. I can have love for those I’ve lost and those that I’ve found all at the same time. We have the ability to fill the emptiness with whatever we choose and I’ve learned that my ability to generate love is indefinite. So I will keep moving forward growing through grief and gaining understanding that the potential of the infinite empty can be forever filled with more love and light…