In my life I’ve been quiet and loud Still and vibrant Strong and vulnerable Smiled and cried I’ve been a Highland dancer A belly dancer And a hoop dancer There was so much joy in me As I danced. Since your death I’ve pushed myself to do what I’d never considered doing… I’ve been […]
Widowed Therapy
It’s Ok to Not Be Ok
Honesty and authenticity is where my blog writing begins. There are moments in the journey that spark continuity in the conversation of my condition but there is so much else involved that I don’t know how to articulate yet. There is no manual on how to do this. The road is written as its traveled. […]
Two Questions
For many of us, the idea of moving forward—of creating a new life—seems somewhat alien, I know. I think most of us feel this life has been thrust upon us, and we have no choice but to carry on. But I disagree. I think it is a mistake to think this way. I know that after maybe three or four months into my widowhood, I wanted to completely change my life and how I had previously lived.
So now, I feel as though the sun has set on my old life; and I begin anew.
Imaginary Tigers
A metaphor that my counselor used once was the idea of going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger. And the next time you find yourself in a similar jungle, you are consumed by the fear of the tiger to the point of running away… when there was no tiger around for miles. In fact, you might even be in a jungle where tigers don’t even live, but you’re still standing there scared of a tiger. This is what trauma can do to us.
Wrapping Loss in Love
Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash I spend a lot of my time reading about death, dying, and grieving, participating in webinars and holding space sessions with grief experts, people who’ve developed wise perspective on what it is to love, to lose, and to continue living. Apart from two moments since Mike’s death, I have […]
You Are Alive. You Are Whole.
Anyone else reading the Outlander series? Watching it on Starz? If you haven’t, do yourself a favor. Time travel. Scotland. Relationships. Love. Passion. Trauma. Strength. Philosophy. And so much more. I’ve always been a romantic. Always. And I always will be. It’s part of who I am, and a part of me that I cherish. […]
Reaching Out
When Drew died, I gathered all the support I could muster and I do truly believe it helped me to navigate the pain. Grief has taught me not to wait until there is a raging storm, but instead to seek support out when the clouds first begin to thicken.
Done, and Doing~
How I’ve survived/lived since Chuck’s death on April 21, 2013… And, yes, I do keep track of how long it’s been. In days and moments and months and years. Yes, every moment of this life is defined by his death because the only reason I’m living this life as I am is because he died. […]
Arriving in Community
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]
Scared
On March 15th, I will be moving into an apartment with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, Nick. We signed the lease on Valentines Day. (which was just a coincidence, but ended up feeling somewhat romantic and sweet). Over the past 8 years since Don’s death, I have moved 3 different times, finally ending up back […]
Self-Care, Help, and Letting in Comfort
I have been pondering comfort, self-care, and help – what each of them is, to me, and what makes one or other easier and/or more accessible than another. Here is where I am at. And no, I have done no Googling or other research into what each of them is. Just research in my own life and experience. They are oft-used terms in Griefland – wobbly…
Death Becomes Me
I never would have pictured myself being so ecstatic and thrilled and jazzed up to talk about death and loss and grief. I never would have thought my heart would beat faster at the thought of making another widowed person laugh at something dark, through their tears. I never saw it coming that my life would consist of comforting people and…