Twirling down a long hallway, Softly lit with shimmering lanterns. Spinning from side to side, one door here, Another, there. Fingers gliding gracefully, and with longing Over memories and emotions. The past rising up, bowing its’ head in homage, Flower blossoms of the past carpeting wide planked floors… Sprinkling colors over me…garden spectrums of days […]
Widowed Memories
Grief’s Rewinding
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]
Love Threading Through My Week
Today’s – no – this week’s – topic is Love. As I sit and reflect on what to write about, as with last week, there seems to be lots of different topics. All interesting at some level, but not “enough” to make a blog post out of. So my next question is, “what connects them?” […]
Beautiful Failures
A part of being widowed is that you are forced to remember all of the relationships that didn’t work out. That sting when your first crush doesn’t like you back. That feeling life is over forever when the big high school sweetheart breakup happens. College brought a whole new world. I was getting more and […]
All Things Spiral~
I’ve always thought of grief as a spiral. Possibly because my daughter, Rachael-Grace was a hoop dancer for many years. The big kind of hoop, not the little hula hoop so many of us remember from our youth. Rachael-Grace used a hoop she made herself, and she taught herself how to dance within it, spinning […]
A Week’s Ramblings
Featured photo my own – Metro sign in Paris 17 August 2020 I could write about five or more different topics this morning. Or none. The five feel valid but somewhat anecdotal. A bit light. And yet they are not. Not a lot is light in my life. Which is okay. And there is lightness. […]
Our Third Wedding Anniversary…
When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really. Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void. Where there should be happy memories of “the best day ever”, there is nothing. I have nothing to recall because our Wedding day never came to be. So, I just sit with the nothingness that it is. The nothingness of our special day quietly blends into the nothingness that Mike has become. It is sad. Beyond sad really. It is tragic and it hurts. But, I will be “okay”. I have lived through this Anniversary date twice before.
Gazing Through Grief
So many things have triggered my grief. It all comes down to five senses. There are the predictable ones that stand out like catching the scent of his cologne lingering in the breeze from a man passing by or the lyrics of a song that strike the strings of my heart. The taste of his […]
Love in Other’s Words~
I don’t have many words in me this evening, as I sit down to write this week’s blog. I do have a heart and mind filled with memories of the Love that Chuck and I shared for 24 years. A Love that sustained and energized me and made me feel passionate about life. Memories that […]
A Grief of my Own
I think, at best, I will rebuilt a remarkable life; but while I live this beautiful new life, I know that a part of me will always be searching for the woman I used to be. I am on the look out for the woman who was filled with excitement about the future she was going to spend with Mike. I miss this person I once was. I miss her so very much. Lately, my grief has evolved into a grief of my own. Now, I spend a great deal of time mourning the woman I used to be; and, concurrently, I mourn for the woman I could have been if he did not die so unexpectedly.
The Gates of Grief
I realize I have gotten to a point where I go through my week, head down and pushing things back to keep grief at bay. The weekend hits and my first day is full of errands and obligations but my second day is dedicated to allowing the gates of grief to open when I write […]
Desire
Often, our gift to this world–the thing we are here to do–is the thing we tend to fear or dislike the most. Scary how that works. I wanted to be a writer. Here I am… writing a blog, not a book.
What did you want to be when you grew up? I used to ask pretty much everyone I knew. For Suzanne, it was a criminologist or a forensic scientist (long before becoming fashionable, or used as source material for TV shows, movies and true crime dramas).