Shelby has now, quite literally, walked in her mother’s shoes. It’s odd to me that, at the age of 12, she actually fits in them, but then again, she isn’t stricken with the growth-impeding disease the Megan had. After buying her new hiking shoes and boots for years, we decided to have her try on Megan’s last pair. They fit her almost…
Widowed and Healing
Does this ever get easier?
I had these exact same thoughts a year ago; and, tonight I wonder if any of this ever gets easier. Am I a lousy widow? Am I doing this wrong? What the hell am I supposed to do? What can I do to make any of this better? Is this even possible. Is it fair to assume that I will recover from Mike’s death? Still, 2.5 years later almost every thought…
“Me Too”
I’ve felt abnormal my whole life. Ever since I became aware of how my own childhood with a single father who was an alcoholic was far different from the seemingly idyllic 2 parent households of all the other kids at my private school. I’ve never fit in. I’ve never felt like I fit in. Largely, because of death and grief. When my mom died, I…
Trauma Return
Yesterday something happened at a doctors office that sent me straight back into 23 years ago, when I just barely lived through a traumatic event, and joined the ranks in becoming the 2-words that I would grow to absolutely loathe ,and feel shame about for a very long time: rape victim. After awhile, I began shifting from using the term…
Outsider
A month from today, Sarah, Shelby, and I will be hitting the road for Texas. It is time for our annual “Drewfest” weekend, where Drew’s closest friends gather to remember him, celebrate him, and in general, have a fun time like the “good old days”. Personally, this will be my fifth Drewfest. I’ve been part of them since 2015, a few…
Complex Holidays
Mother’s Day. My relationship to this day has been a complicated one for most of my life. Until more recently actually, I did not celebrate this day at all. Since my mom died when I was nine, this day has really been nothing but painful for most of my years. So much so that I just decided to forget all about it in my twenties and avoid going out…
Tightrope Walker
Have you ever felt like your life as a widowed person has you being pulled and pushed in multiple directions? Like you are walking a tightrope, but nobody bothered to ever give you any lessons. It’s a tug of war between responsibilities, loyalties, and things you want. Honoring that other life. Living this one. Grieving , but not staying…
Call Me Anytime
I watched the first episode of a new show on Netflix this morning called Dead to Me. In the episode, two women meet at a grief group, both widows. They end up building a new friendship as late night phone buddies since neither of them are able to sleep. The show goes on to take a lot of unexpected twists and turns (and believe me you should so…
Titles
Sarah and I are planning our wedding, taking place next year. Vaguely, it is going to be somewhat informal, in the sense that the traditional rehearsal, church, event hall, catering, DJ, etc are either going to not be a part of it, or otherwise substituted in a more unique way. I’ve helped plan a wedding before. 14 years ago, Megan and I were…
A New Beginning
This past week I started something new that I feel both a little bit nervous about but also really hopeful about. I finally signed on to be a regional Soaring Spirits group leader here in Northeast Ohio. I’ve been sitting on this idea for over a year now. In part, for my own reasons… I have very few friends nearby since moving to Ohio. Each…
Things That Matter
Since becoming an involentary widow almost 8 years ago, I have changed in many positive ways. I am more empathetic. I am more sympathetic. I am less judgemental of people’s lives and situations and circumstances. I listen better. I stop to talk with people more. I find more meaning and beauty in very tiny things. I exist in the moment…
Boilerplate Questions
If nothing else, 5 years down the road, I still have many questions and few answers. The amount and content of said questions only grows with time. Many of them are “what-ifs”, and still more are “what-woulds”. “What if they hadn’t died?” is the first question for almost everyone. I can confidently say that it will never be…