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The Weight of a Living Legacy

Posted on: August 24, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Shortly after losing Tin I was honored being asked to write in this space. I quickly felt the weight of grief ease as the words hit the paper. An amazing thing began to happen, others started to respond to my writing that they felt connected again and that lifted my grief a bit more. As I continued moving forward, I had started to use essential oils for support and the community surrounded me with support and asked me to share my story with others. No matter how many times I share my story it never gets easier, just different. However, I keep telling my story because each time I see my words create a space of safety for others even if it’s for just a moment where they don’t feel alone.

Recently I shared my story in a Facebook group. Shortly after, the President of the essential oils company contacted me and offered for me to fly up to the corporate office to share my story with the executive directors. I’m leaving for the meeting in two days. I have no problems sharing the story I have now told over 100 times. I have no issue speaking in front of large groups yet I am feeling this new weight on my shoulders. It’s noticeable and felt very confusing to me. Where has the unsure tension come from? I am not in the least bit intimidated by the people I’m speaking with on Tuesday.

Last night, a group of oils leaders and I made history by creating and launching the first ever LGBTQ+ essential oils Facebook support group. It launched and within 12 hours had almost 600 members. We created a space that so many had hoped for but no one had stepped up to the plate. My phone has been ringing and dinging nonstop all morning. As I took in all of the messages of celebration and support I can’t help but wish Tin was here to be a part of the new rev-oil-ution. I began to think about what I would add to my story for the executive team and the weighted feeling increased as I realized it’s nature. Every time I speak about Tin, I am bringing him back into this world and introducing them to man I love and miss terribly. My words are more than providing a space for other to feel understood. My words are breathing him back to life. Now I’m about to get up in front of a billion dollar company and introduce them to Tin. I’m leading the charge for this company as they are making efforts to continue to show inclusivity because of the love and loss I have experienced.

The weight I now am feeling is from wanting to do my best to breathe all the life I can into Tin’s legacy. He apologized to me near the end of his time because he was leaving us. I know he felt guilt. If only he could have known than that he would have such a profound positive impact on so many other people. I truly believe he is here and the driving force for all that is opening up to me and I feel proud to carry the weight of his living legacy.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Signs from Loved One, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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