Right at this very moment, my new fiance Mike and daughter Shelby are visiting my late-fiance’s family in Texas. We have been here before. We spent Christmas with them in fact this past year. It still is so strange and surreal and beautiful to me how this all works. Mike and I stay in Drew’s old bedroom. Shelby sleeps in his sister’s old room.
Widowed and Healing
When You Love Again…
When You Love Again, after life-altering loss – everything inside of you, freezes in terror, that you will again wake up, to the very real nightmare, of a world where all of it has disappeared. When You Love Again, after death has stolen your other life, and your partner – you fear looking forward or toward the future, because…
Random Widower Thoughts
Sometimes, okay, let’s be honest, more often than sometimes, it feels like the best part of my life is over. She is gone. She is gone. And, she is gone. However, at the same time It feels like this is the best part of my life because I get to raise a fantastic daughter. Even though I know that it would be so, so much better if Natasha…
Grief Math
My friend just texted me about dates. Her text wasn’t about a coffee date or an up coming dinner date. Nope, her text was not about those type of dates. Instead, she was referencing dates on the calendar that are significant because her husband died. What a Joy Kill is what most people outside of the grief community might think; but,…
The Imperfect Widow
The past month or two has been tough. This time of year usually is. It’s the time of year that led up to when Drew died. These months were some of the happiest in our relationship. He had just gotten his first job as a pilot and was finally living his dreams. We were beginning to look towards our future together, towards a wedding and a new…
When Things are Hard …
Things are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes I am convinced that life is much harder for some than for others. Sometimes it feels like I can never get a break. Sometimes it feels like I will always struggle and things will always be really hard, and that is just how my life will be. I dont know. None of this is fact. Just feelings. …
Grief’s Grip Again
Clearly, 4 ½ years is far too long to miss the love of your life since society continues to tell me not to miss my wife anymore. The thrust of the conversation is aimed at pushing me to stop talking about missing my wife and get over it! As a result, we all learn to judge our social environment carefully before bringing illness, longing and/or…
Death Sucks
Does anyone else feel like they pay less attention to deaths these days? Hear me out. I’ve noticed this trend, at least in me, of learning of a person that might have been significant to me has died. I note it, give it a quick “that sucks, for their widow”, and go about my business. Tim Conway (a comedian I grew up admiring), Bart Starr…
Empty Act
Today was ”okay”. My grief wasn’t especially heavy. But, this is not usual. Most of the time I feel completely empty inside. The landscape of my Soul is barren since Mike died. I wish it was different, but it’s not. I feel empty. There is an awful hollowness that lives inside me that I can’t lose. However, most people in…
Nice to Meet You
When your spouse has a long-term, terminal illness, it’s very easy to devote all of your attention to their well-being. I rationalized for years that there was quite literally nothing as bad as what Megan was going through, so anything regarding my own health or person was minimal. It wasn’t healthy in and of itself, but in the grand scheme…
Strongish at Best
Most people on the periphery assume we are strong because they see us doing life. They see us on our driveways. They watch us get into our vehicles as we are on our way to participate in the stuff of living. Yes, we are doing things. They are witness to it. And, the assumption is that we’ve got this. And, maybe part of us does have…
“By Now…”
Lately I’ve been feeling some sort of an emptiness. After Drew died, for a lot of years, I was doing a lot of creative work around my grief. I was finding visual ways to express this inner world and sharing it with others. There was something about that work that felt so purposeful. It felt like I was doing something important for myself, and…