Widows scare people, I think. Even if they (we) are ordinary in appearance. No warts on our long noses. No narrow, scraggly, fingers with sharp nails (for poking). Oh, wait. I’m describing witches.We do (sometimes) wear black though. Like witches in the storybooks do. And I do believe that we frighten people. Family people and strangers people.
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Back to the Future
It’s been four years. Four times, the earth has orbited the sun in full since Megan’s death. That seems like an eternity, and yet at times, it also feels like it was yesterday. It’s still “fresh”, yet also “routine”. If I could have foretold the future, four-and-a-half years ago, a few days before she died, it wouldn’t have…
Stay the Course
I am no longer counting the days or the months of Mike’s deadness. It has become irrelevant to me. The numbers don’t matter anymore. Mike is gone. Mike is really dead. And, I am not. This is what matters. I know this sounds harsh, but how else can I put it? His death has been harsh, and that’s such an understatment it is beyond…
Treading Water Together
This week I began work on a goal that has taken me a long time to believe I could accomplish. It may seem like something very small to most people, but for me, it has been a hurdle all my life. This week, I have started swim lessons. Something most people don’t know about me is that I’ve always been uncomfortable in the water. I never took swim…
The Grocery Store
This week I felt like writing about how the arrival of the holidays has already been extremely difficult for me. These are the first holidays without Clayton. Those Facebook “memories” that pop up in my news feed are like a sharp knife from a friend. Nothing is safe from the reminders. I don’t know if I can even decorate this year but…
A Turning Point Kind of a Question
I’m not sure if it is just a part of the process, self-preservation or something supernatural but I caught myself of guard the other day. You see, I was quite surprised when an acquaintance walked by me at work and in front of everyone he grabbed my shoulder and asked me how I was. It might not seem much to some but everyone at work registered…
New York State of Mind
“I don’t have any reason, dont wanna waste more time Im in a New York state of mind…….” Ah yes, Billy Joel had it right with that song. Its been about 17 months since I left NYC, my second home, to move back to my home state of Massachusetts, finish my book, and see what comes next. I didnt expect to find love here in smalltown Mass, and…
Widow Energy~
Dark energy. It makes one think of vampires and shadows and the like. Shrouds. Winding cloth. Long cloaks that one swirls dramatically over the shoulder. I’ve been told that I carry dark energy. The imagery that came to mind when I was told that is Pigpen, from Peanuts. You know, the little boy who wanders through the cartoon squares with a dark…
I’ll Not be Home for Christmas
In my 38 years, I have never once not been with my parents on either Christmas eve or Christmas day. Even when I was in the military, I lucked out in that I wasn’t deployed over Christmas, and I was able to drive from North Carolina to Ohio, even if only for a 48 hour visit. Since 2002, I’ve added Megan’s family to that tradition, always…
Another Birthday without him
This weekend I celebrated my third birthday without Mike. He died just over two years ago, but this is the third time I have had a birthday without him beside me. The first year, my birthday happened two weeks after he died. That birthday; and, most of the first year without him is a blur to me. When I look back I don’t remember much of…
Dreams of Other Worlds
I had dreams of him this past week. It’s the first time in a lot of years I’ve dreamt of him two nights in a row. It was both beautiful and sad. The dreams were good… they were happy. I got to see his smile again, that beautiful smile that warmed my heart. For a moment, I got to remember the feeling that his smile gave me. It’s been so long,…
Will I Ever Stop Asking …
Will I Ever Stop Asking Where would we be, had you not died? Will I ever stop wondering what would have happened in our life together if you were still here? Will I ever be at peace with the idea that my life is filled with questions that do not have answers? Will I ever feel okay with the knowing that large pieces of…