Widow's Voice

A Turning Point Kind of a Question

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I’m not sure if it is just a part of the process, self-preservation or something supernatural but I caught myself of guard the other day. You see, I was quite surprised when an acquaintance walked by me at work and in front of everyone he grabbed my shoulder and asked me how I was. It might not seem much to some but everyone at work registered something was different. He acted like we knew each other very well and we only said hi in passing. The moment passed and everyone asked if we were friends outside work and were we seeing each other. They were shocked to hear me say no and the speculation began.

“Oh my God. Do you think he’s gay? I think he likes you! He’s really cute!”

 

Well yes he is a handsome guy but really? I mean no I don’t think. No. Whatever. I can’t even begin to think about anyone wanting to start anything with me. Too much baggage from the start. Even if he did like me he’d run knowing the grief I carry. Besides, I’m not ready. It is a flattering thought though…

 

My coworkers spent the rest of the day analyzing that interaction and the number of smiles and glances that apparently were sent from the handsome man. I rolled my eyes and said to myself “Even if I was ready, what’s the point in getting excited only to get disappointed?” I sucker punched myself with that statement. My throat closed and my eyes watered. I bit my tongue, took a deep breath and moved on with my day.

 

When I got home my mind wandered back to the idea that some day, some one could fill the void. Not replace Tin but be my companion and then it happened –

Out loud as if Tin was in the room I asked:

 

“What do you think Tin? Would you approve? He seems like a nice guy.”

 

I caught myself by surprise when I realized I expected an answer. There was no answer but, than again, maybe there was….

 

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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