I’m not sure if it is just a part of the process, self-preservation or something supernatural but I caught myself of guard the other day. You see, I was quite surprised when an acquaintance walked by me at work and in front of everyone he grabbed my shoulder and asked me how I was. It might not seem much to some but everyone at work registered something was different. He acted like we knew each other very well and we only said hi in passing. The moment passed and everyone asked if we were friends outside work and were we seeing each other. They were shocked to hear me say no and the speculation began.
“Oh my God. Do you think he’s gay? I think he likes you! He’s really cute!”
Well yes he is a handsome guy but really? I mean no I don’t think. No. Whatever. I can’t even begin to think about anyone wanting to start anything with me. Too much baggage from the start. Even if he did like me he’d run knowing the grief I carry. Besides, I’m not ready. It is a flattering thought though…
My coworkers spent the rest of the day analyzing that interaction and the number of smiles and glances that apparently were sent from the handsome man. I rolled my eyes and said to myself “Even if I was ready, what’s the point in getting excited only to get disappointed?” I sucker punched myself with that statement. My throat closed and my eyes watered. I bit my tongue, took a deep breath and moved on with my day.
When I got home my mind wandered back to the idea that some day, some one could fill the void. Not replace Tin but be my companion and then it happened –
Out loud as if Tin was in the room I asked:
“What do you think Tin? Would you approve? He seems like a nice guy.”
I caught myself by surprise when I realized I expected an answer. There was no answer but, than again, maybe there was….