I put a blue sticky note on it so the movers wouldn’t pack it. I carefully carried it to the car, hefting its astonishing weight, and placed it gently in the back seat. Alone for a few moments at the new place, I picked it up again, and carried it close to my body up to the new bedroom and found its new spot where it snugly fits. I closed the door…
young widow
Two Years Ago
Two years year ago this week, I had no concept of time. Nor of my life any longer as I knew it. Two years ago today, I was making funeral arrangements For the man I had planned to grow old with. And going from pain to disbelief and back to pain every 10 minutes Like an endless loopTwo years ago today, I was two days in to being an unwedded widow.
A Beautiful Day
This week brought with it a major milestone – my first wedding anniversary. A special day that I should have been celebrating with my darling but, instead, had to spend alone, as his widow. I’ve had a pretty busy few weeks so even though I knew it was looming, the reality of the day really snuck up on me. One year ago I married the man of my…
What If
One of the amazing and inspiring things that has happened as a result of losing the person I love most in this world to death, is meeting so many incredible and beautiful people who have also lost the person they love most. One of these people is my friend Sarah Treanor. Some of you may know of her, as she is the Sunday writer here at “Widow’s…
Help
Here’s what I’m noticing as I begin to build a life with someone since Dave died. I’m struggling to let myself be helped. I fight against the idea of my boyfriend doing things for me. I’m torn between the desire to let myself be a part of a couple again and split the work up – You do the finances because you love it and I’m terrible at it. I do…
Ready for [A Little] New
I’ve had a roller coaster of a weekend. Yesterday was my fiancé and I’s anniversary of when we began dating, and in just a few more days comes the two year mark of his death. I spent the past two weeks in Hawaii visiting a friend, which was incredible and a welcome distraction. Then, on Wednesday, I flew directly to Portland for a conference.
Safety in Numbers
I have been in Sydney this week to visit my husband’s family and also attend a national conference on suicide postvention. The conference has brought together people bereaved by suicide with organisations working in the field of suicide postvention, to discuss the need for services in this area and reducing the stigma around suicide. Pretty heavy…
Different
In exactly one week, Friday, June 13th, it will be one month from the 3-year anniversary of my husband’s sudden death. It feels different somehow to me this year, even though the actual day or month is not here yet. First of all, on the first two death anniversaries, I spent them both staying at my parent’s house, with my family. We did a big…
Fear
I was leaving the house yesterday when I realized, with amazement, that I wasn’t filled with dread at leaving my cats and house unattended. After Dave died, I would leave the house and immediately my mind would fill with images of the house burning down in my absence, the cats unable to escape the fiery death trap. I would think “I should just…
Walking Alone Together
I’m writing today to you from Hawaii. I came out for a few weeks to visit a friend on Oahu. This is the longest trip I’ve ever taken away from home since he died, and the first real vacation I’ve taken without him or his family being with me. Leaving the shelter of home has always made me a little antsy, but now instead of just the usual…
Empty Fury
I’m sure we’ve all been told that ‘anger’ is one of the phases of grief (coincidently, Stephanie wrote about these on Thursday). I say ‘phases’ instead of ‘stages’ because, in my experience, it’s not a linear process where you graduate from one emotion to the next. Instead, it’s been a messy, complicated jumble that throws us back and…
Death and Life
There was a moment when life was just life, and death was a stranger I knew nothing about. There was a fragment when weekends were just weekends, filled with friends and movies and dinner parties and couples hanging out together. There was a glimpse when laughter was just laughter, and not laughter poisoned with pain and loss. There was a…