I need to whine. Actually, scratch that. I’m not a whiner. I need to bitch.I am not in love with my life right now. Right this minute. This “after” life that was handed to me in grenade form, exploding in my hands seconds upon it’s rude entrance. Who the hell asked for this life – this life where I no longer have a husband? Where we don’t get to…
widowed perspective
Time. And love.
Time means nothing and it means everything since my husband died. My heart beats its’ rhythm. It plods and it races and jumps and bumps and shatters and breaks and leaps and is subtle and loud. All at the same time sometimes.In one month it will be one year since he died.I turned 56 two months after he died. When people ask me I always…
It’s a matter of perspective…
A: I’ll be devastated if they don’t playB: I’m sure Mick’s more devastatedA: It’s all a matter of perspective.The Rolling Stones were due to play my city on Saturday night just gone and this was one exchange that appeared on my Facebook feed in the first 24 hours of Mick Jagger joining our ranks.My jaw was on the ground and I thought “I’m…
Creating
There are times when I start to write a post or create a new art project and I get stuck. Suddenly, every idea I have and every mark I make or word I type is wrong. Wrong, stupid, vapid, empty, annoying, pandering, arrogant, contrived. I annoy myself. I disgustmyself. I decide that I will not be able to write anything helpful. I will not be able…
Weighing the Days
Yesterday was a hard day. Exactly a week until Drew’s birthday, perhaps I don’t remember how hard it was last year… but I could swear it’s hitting me harder this year. My body seems so much more aware of the lack of his body, but also just the feeling of him in the space is far more distant now. I downplayed that first sentence… it was a…
Things Have Changed
At the moment we are in the middle of our city’s ‘Mad March’ that consists of a motorsport carnival, an Arts and a fringe festival, concerts, other sporting events. Many of these things I used to go to, before I met Ian, and after. Last year I didn’t really want to go to anything. I think I went to one event, compared to the ‘record’ a…
The Before Me vs….
…. the “Before Me”. We all know that we are changed after the death of our spouse. We are changed because of the death of our spouse and everything that follows in its wake. But how am I different now? How is the “After Janine” different from the “Before Janine”? Let me count the ways …..1. I am less naive. I know, really know, that…
Breaking
I’ve been traveling a ton the past week and in the midst of that, found myself looking through notebooks filled with quotes and thoughts that have inspired my being.One in particular, stuck out this evening:”Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.”Whoa!If that isn’t poignant to the ebbs and flows of our lives as…
Capturing our Stories
Today I read a beautiful article that really got me thinking. During a commercial photo shoot for a show on the Oprah Network – near the end of the shoot – one of the actors requested the photographer to take a few more shots for him. As he stepped back onto the backdrop, the actor began to sob. The photographer captured about a dozen or so shots…
The Blindside
I’ve been in a clay workshop for the past few days, and its mostly been a heck of a lotta fun. Each say we have worked with a different teacher, making sculptures, dinnerware, decorated tiles, and learning alternative techniques for firing clay (examples in the picture above!) It’s been a whirlwind of new and exciting creative ideas for me,…
Feel
Though I love to come here to share my thoughts, experiences and words, there are moments that I come across things that speak so poignantly that it must be given the space to spread to those who deserve to hear it. This letter is one I found this evening that I know so many who have lost, struggled, hurt and suffered, should read. Written by a…
Lighthouse
I got an email today that made my heart do a little dance. It was from a fellow widow friend of mine, whom I’ve only met online, and who also happens to be a therapist. This was what her email said: “I was with a client yesterday, and I asked her where she has found support online. She sighed and then said, ‘Well, most of the stuff is useless. But…