… yet again. A wave hit me yesterday. And I never saw it coming …. although I should have.I have found that there are 3 types of waves for me: 1. the waves that come out of nowhere, for no rhyme or reason, but crash upon me anyway. 2. the waves that I expect to come …. a certain date, experience or something that I know will bring on a…
widowed parenting
Happy Different New Year
It happened. I actually made it through a holiday without being bitter. Now let me be clear, it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel sad or have the streaming video of memories run through my brain at different times, but it wasn’t bitter. For the first time in 6 holiday seasons, I didn’t have flashes of envy and moments of evil thoughts towards families and…
Canary In a Coal Mine
I feel like a canary in a coal mine. The sadness being the air that I sometimes think will kill me. Ezra age 1.75 with Ricki (with a dad) Ezra 8.75 with Ricki (without a dad) All week long the sadness has been spillozing out of me: hovering above me like my own personal little dampener, echoing at the end of my laughter, pushing through my…
Christmas together
Tomorrow is the day that we have all been building up to in the last few months. I am sure that, like me, you are overwhelmed, tired and emotional. Preparing for this day is, at the best of times, exhausting…..but alone, it seems insurmountable.Please remind yourself to breathe deeply. To be gentle with yourself and to allow peace into your…
“You Should Be Happy” …..
…. is what someone told me last night. Actually, the entire sentence was …. “All of your children are home. You should be happy.” I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I was on the phone, explaining to this person, through tears, that I was feeling sad. And that sentence was the response I got.Most people would probably agree with that…
Wrapped in the Warmth
The holiday season is on me – not upon me, but really ON me – like a rash…I’m totally covered up. 😉 I’m not complaining, it is the fun things that are burying me, too many parties, too many friends, too much love. Clearly you can never have too many friends or too much love. My cup is Niagara Falls.This year is a different one from the previous…
Holiday Feelings
I just returned home for an early Christmas celebration with my extended family. This is somewhat of a novelty, and we now live close enough to be a part of these type of celebrations on a regular basis. I had a good time, and love my family, but I did need to get in the right type of space to handle it.Earlier in the week I wrote about this on my…
two hands where four are needed
I recently found a “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Workbook”. It is full of quizzes and exercises to force you to look inward at yourself. This introspection makes me realize that I am pretty ‘normal’ if not, less ‘sweaty’ than the average person. I’ve been really enjoying ‘getting to know myself’ in the 5 minutes I take now and then to complete a…
my reminder.
sometimes most times when things are at their most difficult, madeline is there to distract me. remind me just how happy i can be.and she does this just by growing up. today, she sat silently mostly quietly on my lap in a theater in hollywood as we watched a movie. there was a little talking, but mostly it was laughing at the right times…
My Subconscious Mind ….
…. is sometimes a lot more powerful than I’d like it to be. Maybe it’s bigger than the rest of my mind. Or maybe it’s just a lot more determined to be in charge. All I know is that it’s very aware of the date on the calendar and it seems hell-bent on forcing my emotions to react to that memory …. even when the rest of my mind is going along…
Teamwork
Our family received an amazing, unexpected Christmas gift of a very cool new TV. This weekend we went about shifting, rebuilding, figuring out cable connections, and placing the new gadget in the place of our old big screen. Somehow amidst the chaos, the daunting task of moving the old machine out to the garage ended up happening when the…
what it is
Talking about being a widow is not something I always do….or want to do. Sometimes I need to talk about it. Express why I am attending a social engagement alone. Assure others that I’m not a ‘cast off’ – that my husband left me because he was physically unable to stay….not because he found me in bed with my tennis instructor.Now and then, I…