The middle of the night is where I feel your void most intensely. I attempt to busy my brain with other less painful activities. I lay in our nightlight lit room listening to the drippy wet sounds of the aquarium down the hall, the monotonous whirr of the bathroom fan left on, the refrigerator starting up yet again. I attempt to make a mental list…
widowed parenting
a happy memory
brooke and i took maddy to the santa monica pier for a day of fun. it didn’t start off too well because madeline’s forehead took a direct hit when a pigeon flew over her. (she was calm throughout, and didn’t seem to mind, unlike brooke and me). so why am i bringing this up today? well, because maddy did. last week. on the way to…
safety freak
My minivan has a back-up beeper installed and I never fail to wear safety goggles when required. I realize that teenagers at the bus stop snicker as I stride by sporting my safety vest covered in all it’s reflective glory and a red light flashing out a constant reminder of the whereabouts of my hind-end. And in the past, I would have worried that…
34 months.
January 25th. 34 months. it’s been awhile since i felt like this on a 25th.i never forget the day, (never) or what happened all those months ago. (never). but sometimes i i don’t realize it’s the 25th until i’m halfway through the day. but on this 25th, i was feeling it. all day. i don’t know why. … that evening i got to my happiness. my…
The Positive Side of Awful
I hate that I have learned so much, and have become a better person, because of Lisa’s death. And I am not patting myself on the back, I truly hate that I am better and have learned so much because of her death. I want her back more than ever so I can show her how much better I am. We would have a better marriage, because I now understand the…
who you were
Some of the fishing companies that Jeff had worked for would provide jackets for the crew with their name embroidered on the shoulder. Once when asked what Jeff wanted marked on his sleeve (he had a plethora of nicknames that could have been used in his name’s stead), he had remarked, “Just Jeff”. When his coat arrived with “Just Jeff” scribed upon…
Special Cargo – Handle with Care
Like it was yesterday, I remember the night Daniel died and the drive home from the hospital. The drive home to G, who was innocently sleeping, still unaware that life as he knew it had radically altered. I remember talking myself through telling him what had happened. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach and so anxious. I knew that the next…
lurking tragedy
Since the death of Jeff, I am ALWAYS searching for reason or explanation for each occurrence that unfolds in my life. I have become adept at looking for, and most often finding, the “bright side”. Searching out the blessings. The gifts that, however difficult to see initially, reveal themselves as the shock of trauma wears away.I have found that…
flying solo
I am finding this new responsibility of being thrust into the world of solitary decision making terrifying…But I am doing it and it’s okay. I would prefer to bounce all these thoughts, necessary choices and responsibilities off to Jeff, but I can’t. So as I forge ahead with my life alone, I am finding these mountains that I am climbing difficult;…
Waves for the Little Ones
One night last week G and I snuggled up on the couch for a little mid-holiday chaos downtime. We scrolled through the on-demand movie selections and settled on Nanny McPhee Returns. The original movie was really cute so we were looking forward to it.The setting of this movie is WWII England. The story consists of a mom and three kids struggling to…
touchdown
Originally posted on my personal blog Tuesday, December 30, 2008 (after nine months of widowhood). It’s here again. The brief agonizingly sharp pain of awakening. Like from a coma. Or a nightmare and realizing that it is reality. I walk around as an automaton. I feed the kids. I wash my face. I buy chicken feed. I seem to be moving. I seem to be…
way better.
after complaining non-stop about how much i hate the holidays, something interesting happened this year… i suppose i could wait until the end of the post to tell you that i actually enjoyed this one, but why keep you in suspense? so here’s why this one didn’t suck… i watched as my california girl fell deeply in love with a climate few can…