early last week a couple of maddy’s toys went missing. a zebra stuffed animal and her baby doll. for a few days she asked me where they’d gone. i had no idea.her stuff goes missing all the time, and i usually find it pretty quickly. i’ve searched everywhere for them. they’re not in any of the usual places (i’m convinced they disappeared at…
expressions of grief
The Widow Card Part 2
I got a traffic ticket a few months ago. Should have hopped out of the car immediately waving my husband’s death certificate. (There is a copy in my computer case, not sure why I leave it there or how it even got there) Instead, I sat in the car, feeling guilty about even thinking about using the widow card… to get out of something that was…
the best before date
As a widow, when does our license to actively grieve expire? Is there a time limit to our sadness? An event that signals the end of our foray into melancholy remembering? An experience that renders the act of longing for our spouse void? As I drag myself along this road of the widowed person, I know that I am not done. Almost three years and I…
march.
three years ago, my first march in this house. overwhelmed by circumstances, unaware of what i was in for. liz in her bed at the hospital, madeline still waiting to arrive. the flowers blooming in our yard… grapefruit, lemon and orange blossoms. the yellow flowers on the vine. the jasmine bush and that tree in the back i thought was…
And the Oscar goes to…
No, I’m not watching The Academy Awards. Not that it doesn’t interest me. I used to be one of those people who saw every single film nominated, even the foreign and sometimes documentary. I love film, and I love story telling, but that love, those interests, are part of those things that have dropped by the wayside. Friends and family are still…
Tired
I’m tired of being a widow. I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me. I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more. I’m tired of waking up by myself.I’m tired of being solely responsible for: Bringing in all the income Paying all the bills Making sure…
Pretty Panty Problems
There’s an old adage that says that you should make sure that you are always wearing nice underpants in case you end up at the hospital and some health care worker witnesses the terrible state of your undergarments. I remember this and other silly issues causing me concern at one point.I could worry about this still…if I worked at it. But now,…
There is a Time ….
…. for mostly …. everything. Even time for things that at other times …. look very negative. Like Selfishness. There is a time for selfishness …. and I had that time. I needed that time. I needed it in order to survive. Literally.Grieving demands selfishness. At no other time in one’s life must a person think ONLY of her/him self,…
When Does Grief End
Hey Y’all, I’m short for words today, but wanted to share a poem I hope will help you as much as it has helped me.When Does Grief End? Grief hits us like a ton of bricks, Flattens us like a steamroller, Hurls us into the depths of despair. We know in a flash when grief hits, But when does it end? Like the month of March, Grief rushes in like a…
I Have Super Powers ….
…. and so do you. Some of you may be so new to this “club” that you aren’t aware of your powers yet. But you have them. Oh you certainly have them. In fact, the newer you are in the club, the stronger your powers are. And they are very, very strong.My powers are starting to weaken, and I’ve lost one of them completely …. I think. This…
This One’s for You: Musical Monday
Before Phil died, I was that friend. The one you called when you were mad at your husband and needed to tell someone what he did who wouldn’t hold it against him later. I was the person who could be counted on to answer the phone at odd hours; watch your kids if you needed a break; or the one person who would remind you of your new years…
Knowledge
Someone once said that it is knowledge sets us free, but as I’ve learned, everyone’s knowledge is different. After Michael died I knew nothing but one thing in life. I could no longer answer questions on why or how things turned out as they did. I could not tell you right from left. As time has passed though, I have embraced the unknown and learned…